Go To     Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4    Part 5    Part 6    Part 7

Red Skies at Morning

(Book 1 of the Red Light Series)

Part 1

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow sat in Buffy’s bed, clutching a cross and vial of holy water tightly to her chest.  She hadn’t been all that attached to her fish, but finding them dead and strung together like Christmas lights in an envelope on her bed hadn’t been a big barrel of laughs, either.  She was wigged.  Beyond wigged.  In order to keep her mind off of the image of Angelus in her room, doing terrible things to her while she slept, she tried talking.

She said, “I just wanted to thank you, you know- for having me over; what with it being a school night and all.”  Mentally she chastised herself, “Oh, smooth, Rosenberg ; that’ll impress her.  ‘Hello! Can we say inane?’”

Truth be told, one of the things Willow most wanted to do in her life was impress Buffy Summers.  Somehow, someway.  Though she would never admit it to anyone; she barely admitted it to herself even; Willow had a major crush on the blonde slayer.

She had finally found someone to excise her unrequited love for Xander Harris.  It was just too bad that her new obsession happened to be a.) a girl, and b.) the chosen one- savior of the world- “Jeez, maybe just a little out of my league?” she thought.  And, oh yeah! Let’s not forget c.) totally in love with a 240 year old vampire!  If there was an opposite end to the spectrum of ‘shy, innocent little girl Willow ;’ it would be ‘Big, bad, very not a girl, Vampire Angel.’

Now, she was to spend the night in the bed of said crush, hiding from big, bad Angelus- Angel’s evil twin.  She was pretty sure she would get no sleep tonight.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy was having her own problems.  Her body was acting weird.  Like, for instance, how when Will called her and told her what Angelus had done, she had felt intense anger at the vampire formerly known as Angel.  But, the anger felt weird- it made her warm and sweaty. 

She had instantly invited Willow to stay the night with her- “To protect her,” she firmly told herself.  See! There was that too- why did she feel the need to justify having Willow come over?  What possible other response would there have been but to have her best friend come spend the night in the face of this kind of threat?

Then, when Willow had gotten there she had immediately hugged the frightened redhead- they always hugged; they were best friends!  But this time was somehow different.  Willow had clung to her tightly, not letting go for several minutes.  Buffy had held her tightly to herself and whispered a constant stream of reassurances in her ear, like “It’ll be alright now, I’m here Willow ,” and, “Shhh, Buffy’ll make it all better, I promise!”  Neither of them had made any move to release one another and Buffy found herself thinking how good Willow ’s hair smelled.  “Hello! Mortal danger here, what the heck are you sniffing hair for?” her mind had raged.

When they had finally mutually let go of each other, Buffy had immediately grabbed Willow ’s hand and led her upstairs, as though Willow might have forgotten the way.

The weirdest thing is that Willow had made no comment; she hadn’t even raised an eyebrow at this strange need to be in physical contact.

Now she was lying in bed, with Willow cuddled up against her, and running her fingers through the long auburn strands of Willow ’s hair, lulling her to sleep.  As she surrendered her self into Morpheus’ arms, she heard her self whisper, ‘love ya, Will.”

She missed Willow ’s barely whispered, “I love you, too…”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow was having the best dream.  She was sleeping in Buffy’s arms, safe and warm.  She could actually smell Buffy’s skin- the vanilla scented body-wash that she liked to use combining with her own scent to create an aroma that reminded Willow of the smell of freshly baked bread and the taste of vanilla milkshakes.  She could even feel the smooth skin against her face as she rubbed against it.  She was startled to full wakefulness when the dream girl moaned and pulled her closer. 

Buffy woke at the same moment, finding herself clutching the warm, sleepy redhead against her body, and smelling- once again- the sweet strawberry scent of her silky hair, now tousled after a night’s sleep.

Willow pushed slightly away, just enough to scoot up till they were eye to eye.  Then she smiled and said “Mmm, g’mornin.”

Buffy couldn’t help but return Willow , infectious smile.  “Morning, Will.”  Looking down, as if just now noticing their positions, she added, “This is…” She raised her eyebrows, trying to think of the right word.

“Nice.” Willow supplied without thinking.  Suddenly she realized the magnitude of her possible slip and began to babble, “Oh! Is it? Nice, I mean? It’s not badness is it? It’s, uh… we, uh…  I mean, it’s…”

Buffy smiled even wider at her friend’s typical behavior.  “Nice,” she interjected.  Then crinkling her nose in thought, she said, “It’s just…  we’ve never…  It’s not like we did anything wrong…”

Willow jumped in to agree with that, “No! No wrongness here!”

Buffy rolled onto her back, away from Willow , and stretched her arms above her head, arching her back.  “Mmm! Too early to think.  Brain hurts.  Need shower.”

Willow ’s eyes dilated and her breathing sped up as she watched Buffy’s breasts push against the thin cotton of her tanktop.  Her nipples were hard and clearly visible through the white fabric.  “Yeah… Shower…” Willow dumbly repeated.

Buffy rolled back over to see Willow with her eyes glazed over and her mouth hanging open.  “What’s wrong Will?” she asked.

Willow snapped out of her trance and rolled onto her back, groaning at her behavior.  She felt an overwhelming urge to flee and hopped up out of bed.  “Shower!  Yes, shower is good.  Ok if I…” she trailed off, already half way out the door.

Buffy was baffled by her friend’s strange behavior.  “Sure Will… you go ahead…” she said in kind of a stunned voice.

Willow just had to be out of that room, right now.  Before she humiliated herself even more.  “Ok, thanks Buff.  I’ll be quick!” she tossed over her shoulder as she ran out of the room.

“Ok,” Buffy thought, “Now *that* was weird!”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

“OhGod!OhGod!OhGod!” Willow thought as she rushed to the bathroom.  She could feel the heavy wetness in her panties and was embarrassed beyond all belief. 

She quickly sat down on the lid of the toilet and buried her face in her hands, leaning her elbows down on her knees as rocked back and forth.  “Oh God!  Buffy caught me checking her out!” she raged.  At the same time she couldn’t help but remember the sight of Buffy’s lithe form arching back like that.  “Mmmm!  Yummy Buffy goodness” She thought. 

Of course, she immediately chastised herself, “No! Bad Willow- there will be no thoughts of Buffy’s round, perfect, breasts, squished against her shirt, nipples all hard and…  Argh!”  Obviously, Willow ’s brain was refusing to cooperate with her- as was her traitorous body.  She could feel her sex, hot and thick with arousal, getting wetter and wetter as her rocking motion pressed against the hard plastic of her seat. 

As soon as she realized what she was doing she jumped up to her feet.  Whimpering at the loss of friction.  She looked down and noticed, to her increased humiliation, that she had actually made a puddle of wetness on the lid to the toilet seat.  She gave out a strangled little yelp and quickly tore off a handful of toilet paper and wiped the seat down, then threw the paper in the trash.  Changing her mind she pulled it out of the trash and flipped up the lid, flushing the toilet paper down.

Crying tears of frustration, Willow stripped off her shirt and panties, and stepped into the shower.  She was mortified at the thought of what she was about to do, but there was no way she could walk out of the bathroom and see Buffy again in this condition. 

She would have to take care of it.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy laid in bed for a little bit, trying to figure out what was up with Willow .  She had seemed fine, even with the strangeness of how they woke up together- that event still *not* making her feel weird; the fact of which was giving her major Wiggins.

She decided to try and forget about it.  She leisurely rolled out of bed and went to the hall closet to get a towel for Willow .  She thought nothing of walking into the bathroom while Willow was showering- how many times had they showered together after gym class.  How could this be any different?

“Ok, so this is different,” she thought as she stopped dead in her tracks.

Through the clear glass of the shower door, Buffy could see Willow .  She was leaned back against the wall of the shower, her head thrown back and eyes closed with a grimace of pleasure plastered on her face. She had one leg up on the edge of the tub, and one hand rubbing her breasts under the spray of the water- pinching and twisting her rosy nipples.  The other hand was vigorously, and noisily, pumping two fingers in and out between the ever-so-pink lips, framed by a field of fine, red curls.  Her fingers were making a wet; sucking sound as she plunged them in and out of her soaked sex. She was also making what Buffy thought were the cutest little whimpering noises in between gasping breaths.

Buffy quietly turned and slipped out of the bathroom, not realizing that she had dropped the towel on the sink.  She found herself at the top of the stairs, ready to run through the front door and out into the street.  In her tanktop and boxer shorts. 

She fought off the fight or flight response and made herself go back into her room.  She was blushing furiously, embarrassed for herself and for Willow having been caught in the act.  At the same time, she was kind of confused at why the redhead would do that at Buffy’s house.  It wasn’t like Buffy hadn’t done that herself, but she usually waited until she got home- even after a heavy night of slaying when the urge was almost overpowering.

Buffy couldn’t get the image of Willow masturbating out of her mind.  The sounds she made- the sounds her fingers made as they slid in and out of her.  She had looked so passionate, so raw, so… sexy. 

“What the…” she thought

When she heard the shower turn off and the door open, she realized that she had left the towel behind.

“Oh, crap!” Buffy whispered

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 2

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow stepped out of the shower and realized that, in her haste to escape Buffy, she had forgotten to get a…  She noticed the object of her thoughts sitting on the counter next to the sink.

Willow panicked.  Her mind was whirling with the image of Buffy coming into the bathroom just in time to see her with her hand stuffed up in side her self.  She knew that she had been unable to keep herself from moaning Buffy’s name as she came, “Oh, God!  What if she heard me?

Willow ’s adrenal glands really let go at that moment, flooding her body with adrenaline.  She began to hyperventilate, as her mind filled with thoughts of Buffy looking at her with disgust, of Buffy telling her to get out and never come back, Buffy screaming “I hate you!”

Willow ’s eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy’s self flagellation came to an abrupt halt as she heard a loud thump come from the bathroom.

“ Willow ?” she asked hesitantly.  Then louder when there was no response, and even her slayer hearing couldn’t detect any sounds emanating from the bathroom, “Will?  Are you alright?”

She walked out of her room and knocked on the restroom door.  “ Willow , come on, you’re scaring me…”  She opened the door expecting to see Willow , wrapped in the towel and maybe looking embarrassed, or trying to hide.  When she saw her passed out on the floor- stark naked, she gasped, “Ohmygod! Willow .”

Kneeling down to the prone girl, Buffy noticed her chest was rising and falling, so she was breathing at least.  Buffy took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, asking once again, “ Willow ?  You ok?  Can you hear me?”

She continued to watch, her eyes going back and forth between looking a her best friend’s face and watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest.

Suddenly Willow ’s breathing quickened and she began to mumble and thrash her head around. 

Buffy tried to make out the words, as she called her name and tried to wake the redhead.

“No! please!  I’m sorry… I didn’t mean… no, don’t hate me, I love you!  Buffy!”

Willow sat up and her eyes flew open as she shouted the slayer’s name.

Buffy, not taking the time to analyze what she heard, just answered, “I’m right here, Will!  I’ve got you.”

Willow noticed where she was, and in what state of dress she wasn’t, and tried to cover herself with her free hand.  Buffy still held one hand of hers.  “Buffy!  Why am I sitting on the floor… naked?”

Buffy helped the furiously blushing redhead to her feet and let her go to turn around and pick up the towel.  She handed Willow the towel behind her back, not wanting to further embarrass the girl, while she explained, “I heard a thump and you didn’t call when I answered, so I came in and found you unconscious on the floor.”

As she spoke, Buffy glanced sideways at the mirror, noticing what a lovely body Willow had underneath those baggy clothes she always wore.  The flat stomach; the slender, round thighs tapering down toward her knees; then swelling slightly into graceful calves…  These things she had noticed on Halloween when Willow had dressed sexy to impress Xander- which, of course had failed when Willow chickened out and put on that stupid ghost costume.

Now she noticed that those thighs rose into a shapely derrière.  That flat stomach rose above a sparse carpet of closely trimmed red curls and led up to a pair of small, but perfectly shaped breasts, whose coral pink nipples were heavily effected by the cold air of the bathroom after the warm shower.

Buffy shook her head and blushed powerfully when she realized she had just been checking out her best friend’s body!  “God, inappropriate much?” she shouted at herself.  It wasn’t the first time she had seen Willow naked for Pete’s sake!  Somehow, though, it was different this time.

Willow dried off perfunctorily and wrapped the towel around her.  She grabbed her stuff, mumbling, “Ok, your turn now,” And generally tried to get the hell out of there.

Buffy spun around and asked, “Are you sure you’re ok, Willow?  You were unconscious.”

Willow could hear the concern in Buffy’s voice and she felt even more terrible; humiliation upon mortification, now add regret for worrying Buffy.  She stopped, turned to the slayer and tried to evoke a genuine smile as she said, “I’m sure, Buffy.  I just must have slipped and fell.  I’ve had worse bumps on patrol.  I’ll be fine.”  Seeing disbelief on her friend’s face, she added, “Seriously, just a bump on the head.  I’ll be ok.  You go ahead and shower and I’ll get dressed, and we’ll walk to school.  Ok?”

Buffy didn’t buy it, but couldn’t think of any argument that would be useful, so she just said, “Ok, Will.”  Something compelled her to verbalize her thoughts at that moment, and she put her hand on Willow ’s bare shoulder, stroking down her arm as she added, “It just kills me to see you hurt, or in pain.  I couldn’t do any of this without you.”

Willow ’s smile warmed into a truly genuine one, and the words. “I love you, Buffy” were right on the tip of her tongue, straining to come out.  All she could do to keep them in was to say nothing at all.  She just gave Buffy her smile, a nod, and then walked out of the room.

“Ok, where the heck did that come from?” Buffy wondered.  Not that it was in any way untrue- she knew she could never make it without her Willow .  “My Willow ?  Possessive, much?”

Buffy turned and prepared for her shower.  Her thought turned back to Willow ’s self-pleasure.  She couldn’t get it out of her mind.  “I wonder who she was thinking of…” she trailed off as she got into the shower and let the hot water cascade over her.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow managed to hold it together the rest of the morning.  Buffy didn’t mention anything about her ‘activities’ in the shower, so Willow hoped that meant that Buffy hadn’t been there for any of it.  Beyond looking at the bump on Willow ’s head from when she ‘slipped and fell’ she didn’t mention that either.  Willow decided that it would be best if she just pretended those things had never happened.

Unfortunately for Buffy, those two events were all she could think about.  During the entire trip to school, all she could do was replay seeing Willow in the shower, and checking her out in the mirror.  Over and Over.  “Who was she talking about when she was coming to?” Buffy wondered.  “God, I hope she’s still not obsessing about Xander,” she thought.  She had seemed to be over any romantic feelings for their ‘Xander-shaped friend’ after the disastrous events of the love-spell gone wrong.  Buffy still had flashbacks of almost taking that raincoat off in front of him.  While she appreciated (and was frankly surprised by) his restraint, she was still uncomfortable with the whole thing.

“She must have been thinking about that Oz boy she brought to the birthday party,” she decided.  She ignored as best she could the disapproving tone that thought had taken.  Out loud she asked, “So, how’s the whole you and Oz thing going?”  She tried to remain nonchalant, but it was somewhat strained.

“Over.”  Willow answered curtly.

Of course it wasn’t in Buffy to allow such a concise answer to stand unchallenged! “Whadaya mean, Over?”

Willow sighed, she was unhappy that Oz seemed to have abandoned her, but she was really only using him anyway.  He was someone who was at least marginally interested in her, and she was hurt and angry at Xander and trying to deny her feelings for the slayer, so she turned to Oz.  “Over as in he took off- disappeared.”

Buffy was taken aback by that, “Where did he go?”

Willow shook her head, “I don’t know.  I guess he was more wigged by the Hellmouth stuff than he let on.  He acted weird after your birthday party. He almost stopped talking to me at all after the judge, and then on the third night of the wolf-moon, he ran away from me in the library.  I went to his house, but he was gone.”

Buffy remembered that night.  The night she was just a little too late to stop that a-hole Kane from killing the werewolf. 

Willow could see the guilt in Buffy’s eyes at the memory of that night.  She stopped walking and grabbed Buffy’s arm, “Hey!  We’ve been through this!  It’s not your fault that jerk shot the werewolf!  Besides, we don’t know what kind of person the wolf was anyway.  Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing, and let the wolf run free on purpose.  Either way, no other people got hurt, and… and you just have to accept it that you can’t be everywhere at once.  You may be the slayer, but you’re not superwoman!”

Startled by the redhead’s vehemence, Buffy snapped out of her fugue-state.  She grinned sheepishly at her best friend and said, “Sorry, Will.  I know you’re right, but I still feel guilty sometimes.”

Willow gave the blonde a mock-glare and said, “Yeah?  Well, if you don’t cut it out, I’m gonna put you over my knee!”

Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise and she said, “ Willow !  Dominatrix much?”  Leaning in close to the redhead and lowering her voice, as though speaking in-confidence, she asked, “Is there something you need to tell me?”

Willow blushed fiercely, picturing just such a scene, and feeling a wave of arousal ripple through her.  She ducked her head in embarrassment- worried that the slayer might see the open lust in her eyes at the thought of her hand smacking against the slayers bare bottom- watching her supple flesh quiver and redden in response.  “Jeez!  If I keep this up, I’m gonna need to take care of myself again before we get to class!”

Buffy mistook Willow ’s blush and duck for a reaction to her teasing, rather than having the faintest idea that she was seriously imagining such an event.   She giggled at Willow and threw her arm around the girl, starting to walk again.  “Come on, ‘Mistress Willow,’ we’ve got to get to class lest we face the wrath of Snyder!”

Buffy missed entirely the quiet gasp her friend made at being addressed as Mistress Willow.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

They managed to make it all the way to the school without any more discussion of the morning’s events… until Xander caught up with them.

Xander came running up behind them and put his arms around them, insinuating himself between them as they climbed the steps up to the school.

Willow ’s feelings as Xander sought to get close to Buffy were ones of jealousy.  However, this time she was jealous about Buffy instead of Xander.

Xander said, “Well, good morning ladies, and what did you two do last night?”

Willow blushed just a bit at memories of this morning, but said, “We had kind of a pajama party sleepover with weapons thing."

Xander responded, only half joking “Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment!”  He was surprised when Buffy began to blush fiercely.

Wanting to escape, Willow said, “I have to go, I have a class to teach in about five minutes and I have to arrive early to glare at the stragglers.”  She took off without even noticing that Jenny Calendar was coming across the lawn, negating her need to teach the class that morning.

She managed to put the events of that morning behind her and spend the rest of the day interacting with Buffy and Xander as she always had.

Every time Buffy looked at Willow for the rest of the day, her mind recalled the image of Willow naked in the mirror, or Willow naked in the shower.  Buffy spent the day trying to forget the image and sounds of Willow in the shower- moaning in ecstasy as she pleasured herself. 

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Later that night, Willow and Buffy had cast the uninvite spell on Cordelia’s car, and Willow ’s house.  After finding another gift from Angelus- this time a drawing of Buffy’s sleeping mom- in Willow ’s room, Buffy and Willow raced to the Summers’ house. 

Relieved to find that Joyce wasn’t home from work yet, they were just finishing the uninvite spell when Buffy’s mom came running into the house nervously escaping a smirking Angel. 

That smirk disappeared when he ran into the newly placed barrier. 

“Sorry Angel, changed the locks,” Buffy said as she closed the door on him.  When she turned around her face fell as she saw the look her mother was shooting at her.  She looked to Willow for a rescue and saw compassion there, but no solution.

Willow felt sorry for Buffy as she watched her follow her mom up the stairs.  She was pretty sure that Buffy’s mom was going to have some serious questions for her.

While Willow was waiting, Giles stopped by and asked about how the ritual had gone.

Willow said “The ritual went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy’s mom that he and Buffy had, well, you know… that they had You Know…” Suddenly the thought struck her that maybe Giles didn’t already know and she nervously asked, “you do know, Right?”

Giles assured her that he was aware of the situation, and offered to intervene on Buffy’s behalf.

Not wanting to come right out and tell him that that was a dumb idea, Willow asked him, “Like, what would’ja say?”

She then opened the door for him to leave as he sputtered.  “I’ll tell Buffy you came by,” she told him.  She really wanted to be upstairs supporting her friend, but how could she possibly intervene in such a confrontation with Buffy and her mom?  Especially when, if her dreams ever came true, there would be an even greater confrontation about Buffy’s relationship with her.

Willow tried to imagine what Buffy’s mom would say to the thought of her daughter dating another girl.  She shivered to think what her parents would say- first she nails crucifixes to the doors and windows, then she starts dating a girl.  “They would disown me!” she thought with heartfelt fear. 

She knew that she would gladly risk alienating her parents- if Buffy would ever love her like she loved the slayer.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

A couple hours later Willow and Buffy were hanging out in the kitchen, recounting Buffy and her mom’s conversation.  “I can’t believe, she didn’t wig out!” Willow said.

“Oh there was wig, there was definite wig involved,” Buffy answered.  “But, nothing terminal, I think.”

Willow was about to say something when the phone rang.

Buffy went to answer the phone.  Willow heard her say, “Hi Giles,” then she didn’t say anything for a minute. 

Willow went to her and took the phone before she dropped it.  “Hello?” she said, wondering what could have upset Buffy so.

When Giles told her what happened, she felt her heart break.  For him, for Buffy and for herself.  She loved Ms. Calender, and the thought of what Angel had done…  She began to cry, “No!  No!”

Buffy was crouching where she had slid down the wall, enveloped in a haze of pain and shame.  Jenny was dead, and it was her fault.  When Willow began to cry out in horrified dismay, she snapped out of her misery and leapt up to her best friend in the entire world.  She wrapped Willow in her arms as the sensitive girl began to cry her eyes out.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow was in a daze after the phone call.  She remembered going to Giles’ place only to find him gone- he’d gone after Angel.  She couldn’t believe Xander would be so insensitive like that.  She knew he was angry, but didn’t he see how much Buffy was hurting over this?  She was obviously blaming herself, and it seemed like Xander was blaming her too.  “This isn’t Buffy’s fault!” she shouted in her mind even as Buffy calmly agreed with Xander.

“There’s just one problem with Giles’ little revenge scheme,” Buffy said.

“What’s that?” Xander asked coldly.

“It’s going to get him killed.”

No one spoke for several moments.

Finally Buffy took charge, saying “Cordelia.  Please take Xander and Willow home, I’m going to go make sure Giles doesn’t get dead.”

Willow sprinted to the door, grabbing Buffy’s arm and turning her around, “Buffy..”

“I have to, Will.” Buffy said, trying to dissuade the redhead from stopping her.

“I know.  Just…” Willow ’s voice broke.  Her eyes started to tear up, “Just… Don’t die!”

Buffy almost cried herself at the pain in Willow ’s gaze.  “I won’t.  Promise!”

Willow sniffled and tried to compose herself.  “Better not!  Or I’ll kick your ass!”

“ Willow !” Buffy whispered, shocked. 

Willow hugged Buffy briefly and said, “If you need to… after… If you don’t want to be alone…”  she averted her gaze, not wanting to seem too desperate- though the truth was she badly needed to offer comfort to, and take comfort in Buffy that night.

Buffy did shed a tear at that, “Thank you, Willow ” she said with deep sincerity.

Willow let her go and walked over to the confused Xander and Cordelia, saying, “Ok, let’s go.”

As Buffy ran out of the apartment, she heard Willow answering Xander’s “What was that all about?” with, “You know, She blames herself for this more than she’ll ever let us know, Xander.  You’re not helping any…”

“I love you Willow ,” Buffy thought as she ran toward the factory.  “You’re the best friend I could ever imagine.”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow was sitting in exactly the same place she had been for the two hours since she had been dropped off by Cordelia and Xander- in her chair, at the door to her balcony.  Not actually out on the balcony, she didn’t want to tempt fate if Angelus should escape Buffy and come looking for a little entertainment.

She couldn’t stop her mind from spinning in circles.  She was worried about Buffy.  She was in love with Buffy.  She wanted to do things with Buffy that she had never imagined before.  Those three ideas wound their way through her head until she was dizzy.

She couldn’t get out of her mind that comment Buffy had made this morning about Mistress Willow.  She couldn’t get out of her head the image that was conjured up when she herself had threatened to spank the slayer.  She had never thought that way before; sure she had seen pictures- hello? Net-girl here!  Can’t spend a third of your life surfing the net and not see the odd sexy site or ten.  Curiosity was much more powerful than guilt. 

She remembered the first time she had seen some of the more graphic pictures.  She had been such an innocent then.  She still blushed at the memory of how guilty and aroused she got.  Then even more guilt and still more arousal when she noticed that she was just as turned on by the lesbian pictures as she was the hetero stuff.  It wasn’t long before Willow had figured out how to relieve the pressure such viewing material caused in her.  She had almost managed to stop feeling guilty about looking at erotic pictures and mpegs.  That she always had her most powerful orgasms when she was watching the lesbian stuff was a fact she refused to dwell on. 

She found one site that was done by a pair of lesbian lovers and consisted solely of their interaction.  One of them was clearly a natural redhead, and the other was a bottle blond.  She had bookmarked that one in her favorite places folder. 

“I suppose it’s natural that I would be attracted to Buffy,” she thought.  After all, wouldn’t anyone who liked girls like Buffy?  Not just for her obvious physical attributes, but the fact that she was such a dynamic and charismatic person- she literally saved the world!  The Whole World!  Not many could make that kind of claim.  Who else fought against demons and vampires every night with no reward of any kind?  Sure she might be a little self-centered now and then, but who wasn’t?  “Cordelia thinks the world revolves around her, and what has she ever done for anyone?” Willow thought huffily. 

She did have to admit, albeit grudgingly, that Cordy was nicer to hang around with since she and Xander started dating.  She rarely attacked or made fun of Willow anymore.  Still, the statuesque brunette was not someone she took great joy in spending time with.

Willow ’s mental ramblings came to an abrupt halt as she saw the slayer making her way across the yard towards Willow ’s balcony.  Her heart leapt in her chest and her face broke out into a smile.  When Buffy got to her door, Willow ’s smile faded.  She looked terrible; well, she looked beautiful- just like always- but the pain was radiating out of her eyes.

Willow stood up and threw open the door and Buffy collapsed into her arms.  “Oh, God! Not Giles?” Willow cried.

Buffy shook her head, causing her hair to brush back and forth against Willow ’s neck- creating the dual sensation of pleasure and guilt for feeling pleasure at such an inappropriate time.

“Giles is ok?” Willow asked, seeking reassurance.

“He’s alive.  He didn’t get beat up too badly…” Buffy trailed off.

“But…” Willow prompted, sensing there was definitely more.

 Buffy broke down, her body shaking with great wracking sobs, “He’s not ok!”  Buffy clung to the redhead as though she were a life-preserver preventing the blonde from drowning.  “Oh God Willow!  Jenny’s dead and it’s my fault.”

Willow didn’t try to contradict her friend, instinctively knowing that Buffy needed to get this off of her chest.  She just rocked her gently back and forth and let her cry.

“They were just getting back together… and that’s my fault too!  I was so mad at her and I acted like such a bitch!  Blaming her for Angel loosing his soul, when that’s my fault too.”

Willow couldn’t let that one go unchallenged.   She pulled back and grasped Buffy by the shoulders, shaking her a little as she firmly said, “Stop it!  You didn’t know!  You couldn’t have known, there was no way you could have ever imagined that could happen, so don’t you dare take responsibility for that!”

Buffy clearly couldn’t accept that.  “I should have known somehow!”  At Willow ’s scowl she whined, “It feels like I should have known, Willow .  It all feels like it’s my fault.”  Sniffling loudly, she couldn’t meet Willow ’s eyes as she whimpered, “You should hate me.”

Willow was aghast at that.  “What!?  How could I hate you, Buffy?  You’re my…” she was about to say ‘you’re my everything,’ but managed to censor herself just in the nick of time.

Trying a different tack, Willow dropped her hands from Buffy’s shoulders and looked the slayer in the eyes.  “Do you hate me for Moloch?”  At Buffy’s wide gaze of surprise she continued on, “I released him into the internet!  Me!  I became obsessed with him to the point of ignoring you and Xander.  I ignored your concerns- I accused you…” she trailed off, the buried pain from those events rising up inside her.  “I felt responsible for Dave and Fritz!  Remember?  But you told me I couldn’t have done any thing differently- that I couldn’t have possibly known that would happen- remember?”

Buffy nodded her head slowly, remembering exactly how she had consoled the crying redhead, assuring her it wasn’t her fault.

Willow pulled out the big guns- guilt.  “Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire,” she thought.  “Was that a lie Buffy?” ignoring the slayers attempt to speak she pressed on, “Cause, if this stuff is your fault, then that means I have to take responsibility for Fritz and Dave.  It means their blood is on my hands.”  Pausing, she could smell the victory in the air.  “So, tell me Buffy.  Tell me how this is all your fault.”

Buffy, caught between a rock and a hard place, sat silent for a moment, absorbing Willow ’s words.  Finally, giving Willow a wan smile, she answered, “You fight dirty, you know that Will?”

Willow smiled and nodded sharply one time, “Darn tootin!  And, don’t you forget it!”

Buffy’s smile became strained and she said, “I still feel horrible though.”

Willow wrapped Buffy tight in her arms once again- trying to ignore how good Buffy’s lithe body felt pressed against her own- trying not to imagine them in the same position, sans clothing.  Resisting mightily the urge to kiss her pouting, tearstained lips, she said, “Of course you do, Buffy.  People you love are being hurt and killed.  Of course you feel horrible.  I do too.  Plus there’s the whole, ‘my boyfriend is an evil sadistic murder’ thing.”

Buffy pulled away and sat down on Willow ’s bed, shaking her head.  “No, not my boyfriend.  Angel’s dead.  I have to move on.”

Willow gasped, “You dusted him?”

Buffy shook her head again, “No, Angelus got away.  But I will dust him.”  Buffy dropped back onto the bed, sighing heavily.  “It’s time I faced facts.  Angel died that night.”  Shooting Willow a look, seeing the rebuke on her face she hastened to add, “The gypsies killed him with that stupid curse.  Sure as they gave him his soul to torment him, they took it away too.”

Willow nodded once in agreement.  At least Buffy was making an effort to let blame lay where it should.

Buffy sighed dramatically again, “Even if we could re-curse him…”

Willow sat down next to Buffy, saying, “What?”

Buffy grimaced, as though she couldn’t believe she was about to say this either, “I wouldn’t.”  At Willow ’s incredulous look she explained, “Angel is dead.  His soul is finally at peace- it never did any of those things that the demon is responsible for.  I can’t believe anyone could blame him for them.  If we brought him back he would just suffer even more torment and pain.”  Buffy turned her head, tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.  She whispered, “He’s in a better place.  Bringing him back would be like dragging him out of heaven and putting him in hell.” 

Willow sadly smiled, “You really loved him,” she said quietly.

Buffy said, “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Willow was shocked and her jaw dropped, “Wha…?”

Buffy smiled at the redhead’s consternation.  “I did love him.  But it wouldn’t have lasted.  Us, I mean.  There was too much between us… The age thing, the ‘he’s a vampire, I’m a vampire slayer’ thing… just too much.”  Buffy let go a big sigh and added, “A part of me will always belong to Angel.”

Willow unintentionally blurted out, “Yeah, your cherry.” Willow was shocked at herself and slapped her hands to her mouth hard enough to hurt.

Buffy’s eyes goggled at the supposedly-shy little hacker.  “ Willow !  You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Willow ’s eyes pleaded for forgiveness as she stuttered, “I- I- I didn’t…”

Buffy couldn’t help bursting into giggles at the look of sheer mortification on Willow ’s face.  The giggles became outright belly laughs and she was thankful that Willow ’s parents were on another of their frequent trips away from town as she would surely have woken them up.

Willow was just thankful that Buffy didn’t slap her face for that one.  God knows she deserved it.  “I can’t believe I said that!” she moaned in embarrassment.

Buffy finally calmed down after several minutes.  The cathartic effect of the laughter was better than any crying jag could ever have been.  However, as a result she was terribly sleepy.

“Oh, Willow , You should have seen your face!”

Willow glared at the slayer, but couldn’t be too upset, given her slip.  Plus, she was glad to see a genuine smile on the girl’s face.  Her own humiliation was a small price to pay for that. 

Seeing the exhaustion on the slayer’s face, she told Buffy, “You can borrow one of my sleeping shirts, but you are staying right here tonight young lady!”

Buffy threw a mock salute and said, “Yes Ma’am!” adding with a mock leer, “Ooo, I like it when you get all commanding on me!”

Willow blushed, her former thoughts coming to mind once again.  “Ok, I’m going to get ready for bed!  I suggest you do the same, missy!” she said as she walked out of the bedroom toward the bathroom, escaping another round of teasing.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy woke up to a most pleasurable sensation.  A warm hand was under her shirt, caressing her breasts.  She arched her back, pressing into the touch, and whimpered as she felt a second hand stroking it’s way down her belly toward the top of her panties.  She heard a husky whisper, “Oh God, what you do to me!  Oh yeah, just like that…” 

Buffy’s eyes snapped open as she recognized that voice and remembered where she was… and who she was with!  She saw Willow was still sleeping and thought, “Oh God! She’s dreaming.  Willow ’s having a sex dream about someone, and thinks I’m part of her dream!”  Buffy was about to wake Willow up before things got sticky- and if that hand made it into her panties, it was going to get really sticky- literally.

The words were on the tip of her tongue when Willow spoke again- rendering the slayer speechless, “Oh God, I love you Buffy!”

Buffy was so shocked that she didn’t notice as Willow ’s questing fingers made it inside of her panties and stroked her now-wet lips.  She let loose an involuntary groan at the sensation of someone else’s hands stimulating her in ways only she herself had ever done.  Through slitted eyes Buffy noticed Willow grin and hear her whisper sexily, “Mmm you’re so wet, Buffy.  Is that for me?  Did I make you that wet?”

Buffy felt embarrassment and arousal competing for dominance inside her.  She shouldn’t let this happen, Willow didn’t know what she was doing!  On the other hand, it was clearly Buffy that Willow was dreaming of…

Willow plunged two fingers inside her and began rubbing her clit with her thumb; tilting the balance decidedly in the favor of arousal.

Buffy cried tears of shame as her traitorous body pressed into Willow ’s caress.  It was only a minute or two before Buffy buried her face in her pillow and screamed in ecstasy as the illicit orgasm rolled over her.

Buffy’s muffled scream woke Willow up.  She came out of the most erotic dream to find herself living it out- one hand was full of slayer-breast, and the other… “Oh God!” she whispered.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 3

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

 “Oh God!” Willow repeated, her voice thin and strangled as panic welled up inside her.  Buffy’s body was quivering in her hands, and the slayer had her face buried in her pillow, her scream dying off into a moan.

Willow jerked back from Buffy as though she had been burned.  She notice that her hand was completely coated in Buffy’s sticky juices, and her eyes widened in horror at the thought- “I molested Buffy!”  A part of her wanted nothing more than to take those fingers into her mouth, and savor the slayer’s passion. She felt even guiltier at the inappropriate desire that her traitorous body was feeling.

In her haste to distance herself physically, as well as mentally from her actions, she ended up falling off the bed.  Leaping to her feet she backed a few steps from the bed, crying, “Oh God, Buffy!  I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

Abruptly she spun around and raced to the bathroom, locking herself in and collapsing with her back against the wall farthest from the door, her eyes shimmering with the tears that poured down her face as she sobbed.  Over and over she wailed, “Oh God, No!  Please, God, No!”  Willow just knew that everything was ruined now; she had just molested her best friend- her best girl-friend.  Her best, boys-only, completely straight girl-friend.  With whom, she was secretly, and madly, in love.  Her best friend who- she had no doubt- would never speak to her again.

Willow just sat there, sobbing, her mind lost in a world of misery where she was hated and reviled by the only people who had ever given her any friendship whatsoever. 

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy was filled with self-hatred for what she had just done.  What she had allowed to happen.  She could hear Willow wailing and sobbing, and knew she should go to her- console her and tell her everything was ok.  She knew she should do that, but she couldn’t.

She hurriedly got dressed and then bolted- the sound of Willow’s misery pounding against her mind like a jackhammer, chipping away at her sanity.

She sprinted all the way to the Restfield Cemetery , looking for a vamp to lash out at.  Seeing a couple disappear around the corner of one of the mausoleums, she took off after them.

She rounded the corner at full speed, leaping into the air with a flying kick that shattered the spine of the vamp she struck- not dusting it, but rendering it immobile for at least several minutes.  The other vamp barely had time to put on its game face before she laid into him.

No quips, no commentary, no chitchat- Buffy just proceeded to beat the vamp down.  Watching from a distance, one might almost have compared it to a cat playing with a mouse.  Buffy would smack him down and beat on him for a few seconds before picking him up and throwing him fifteen or twenty feet away.  Then she would run and pounce on him, kicking and beating some more.

She ignored the stake in her jacket- she was beyond conscious thought at this point.  Finally she must have done something to either destroy the heart, or separate the head, because he exploded in to a pile of ash as she was pounding on him.

She realized that she was screaming as she stood there, and wondered how long she had been doing that.  When she stopped, she noticed that her throat was quite raw, so it must have been a while.

At least now she could begin to think again, “Not that that’s a good thing,” she mumbled, walking over to the other vampire, who was just beginning to stir.  She had burned out enough of her rage that she didn’t feel compelled to wail on this one.  She just kneeled down and took out her stake, jabbing it with quick efficiency into his back and watching as he blew into dust.

She noticed the sky beginning to lighten and began the long walk home.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy had tried to put her thoughts in order by the time she got home, but all she had managed to accomplish was distilling them down to three salient points:

a). Willow was in love with Buffy- Love as in; I want to have sex with you- not just friendship love.

b). Buffy loved Willow as her best friend in the entire world.  To the point that losing Willow would probably destroy her.

c). Buffy had been having confused feelings for Willow lately.  Like needing to touch her more, and really enjoying the ‘waking up in her arms’ thing.  Not to mention checking her out while she was naked and really liking what she saw, and not being able to get the sight and sound of Willow masturbating out of her head- and maybe not wanting to.  These three points were the focus for a range of confused thoughts. 

Did Willow want to be Buffy’s girlfriend, or did she just think of her for sex?  And how weird was that thought?  Just like wondering if a boy was interested in her as a potential relationship, or a potential screw.

Buffy realized that she was thinking of having a relationship with Willow .  A girlfriend relationship.  A lesbian… “But… I’m not gay!” she thought incredulously.  “I like boys!  I see a cute boy and I’m like, ‘Ooo, baby!’”  Buffy’s mind was whirling as she tried to get a grip on things.  She hadn’t panicked at all until she actually used the word lesbian. 

She tried to go through some scenarios in her head, “Ok, kissing…” she tried to imagine a girl so she could picture herself with them. “Cordelia!  She’s what most people would describe as a beauty, even if she can be such a bitch…” Buffy pictured herself closing in on Cordelia’s lips, pressing her own against… “Ewww!” she thought, actually shaking in disgust.”

“Ok, now Willow.”  She pictured herself with the redhead yesterday morning, waking up and smelling her hair; seeing the sweet, sleepy look on her face as she slid up along Buffy’s body to say good morning.  Willow ’s not-fully-awake little girl voice as she said it; the look of that pouty little lower lip.  Buffy imagined herself leaning in to take that lip between her own- kissing her sweet smile… Buffy shivered as warmth poured through her body, and sweat broke out on her forehead.

Buffy’s thoughts wandered back to a couple of hours ago, as she woke up to the feel of Willow ’s hands on her body, caressing her breasts, sliding along her tummy down to her center.  Oh God! It had felt so good!  She had been so wet, wetter than she had been for Angel.

With Angel, it had been awkward- what with it being her first time and all.  It had been nice, but awkward.  It must have been a long time for Angel, because he came pretty quickly.  He was a gentleman, however, and took the time to finish her off with his fingers.  Then they had cuddled and went to sleep.  It had been nice…  Nice…  Nice, but not great.  She’d had better orgasms from her own fingers.  Maybe- if he hadn’t lost his soul- he could have done better with more practice. 

Willow , though, had given her a really good orgasm.  One of the best she’d ever had- and she had been asleep!  Maybe it was just the shock and the guilt and the whole ‘Taboo’ thing, but Willow had seriously rocked her world.

Of course, then she had wigged out and Buffy hadn’t helped matters by taking off on her.  She should have stayed and talked.  Of course, her own head had been pretty messed up at that point.  She might have done more damage than good.

She got back to her house and realized she had just enough time to sneak in, lose these bloody clothes and hit the shower, hopefully before her mom woke up.  God, there was a talk she wasn’t looking forward to.

“Jeez, I sound like I made up my mind already,” she thought.  Apparently she had some idea of what she wanted, at least.  “I just wish it was that simple,” she thought as she climbed up to her window.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Xander sat in second period, thinking about stuff.  It kept him from accidentally paying any attention to that pesky math junk the teacher was droning on about.  “Who cares about stupid Pythagorean theorems anyway?!” he asked himself.

Xander wasn’t the buffoon everyone thought him to be.  He acted that way, because that was how he dealt with his issues.  Joke-guy doesn’t have to let everything get to him, doesn’t have to be angry all the time.  Usually when he was too tired or upset to be joke-guy is when anger-guy made his appearance.  Like last night.  He knew he was being harsh with Buffy when he started in on the whole Angel/Angelus thing, but Dammit!  Buffy and Angel were the two people who brought anger-guy out in him more than anything or anyone else- except maybe his parents.

Buffy because he loved her, and Angel because he hated him.

He loved Buffy, and hated to see her suffer.  Angel made Buffy suffer.  Even before he was Angelus, Buffy spent more time wallowing in pity and self-loathing over Angel than because of anything else in her life.  Plus there was the whole, ‘Angel as a rival for Buffy’s affections,’ which did help Xander hate him even more. 

Not as much as Buffy and Willow accused him of, but still.  It was there.

Mostly, he hated Angel because he was a vampire.  Xander hated all vampires.  Souled or not, he wanted to see every one of them reduced to ashes- sooner rather than later please.

Even though he was with Cordelia, and what a thrill ride of adventure that was, he would always have desire in his heart for Buffy.  He had, finally, accepted the fact that those affections would never be returned- with or without Angel.  He didn’t like it, but he accepted it.  Nevertheless he still loved her as a friend, even when he was pissed off at her.

He recognized the irony of it; ‘it’ being his unrequited love for Buffy.  Despite what she and Willow thought, he knew that Willow had feelings for him, just like his feelings for Buffy.  Willow loved him, he loved Buffy, Buffy loved Angel.  “Now, if Angel would just start obsessing over Willow , we could have the makings of an emmy-winning sitcom on our hands!”  he thought.  “Or, at least, we could all go on Springer!

So, he knew Willow loved him, but he was too much of a coward to confront her about it.  He was bitterly ashamed by that sometimes.  He had felt like dirt when Willow had caught him kissing Cordelia the first time.  They still weren’t entirely past that, he knew.

It was just, well, he just didn’t have desire for her- there was no passion there.  He recognized that she could be a beautiful girl; her getup on Halloween- once she had dumped that stupid ghost costume- had been hot!  No, it wasn’t a lack of attractiveness on her part, and he did love her so- as a friend and sister.  He had almost made a stupid mistake on the night Buffy got back from he summer in LA.  He had almost kissed her.  He knew it was what she wanted, and he hurt to see her sad, even if he was the cause.  It would have been a mistake, though.  It would have been a lie, and it would have ruined their friendship, which he cherished more than anything- even more than Buffy.

Willow was his salvation in this crappy town, and from his crappy parents.  She had saved his life a million times before Buffy had ever showed up.  He loved Buffy with his whole heart, but he loved Willow with his whole soul.  Too bad his fear kept him from telling her the truth.  He was afraid he would hurt her so bad that it would ruin their friendship.

After the Cordelia thing, and the Oz thing- “Whatever happened to that guy anyway?” Xander wondered, sidetracked for a moment.  Anyway, after the love spell nightmare it seemed that Willow was ‘over’ him.  Still, it would probably have been better if he’d just ‘fessed up in the first place- all that other stuff came close to making her disown him anyway.  But now things between him and Willow seemed to be back on track.  Mostly.

All that thinking brought him back to the original subject- he wasn’t as clueless as they liked to think.  He noticed Willow looking at Buffy the same way she used to look at him.  With that moon-eyed stare.  His heart had been wounded at the thought of poor Willow , longing after the slayer.  “First off, Hello!  Been there, done that.  Known that pain *intimately*.  Pretty, it ain’t,” he thought.  Slayer rejection was a country-music kind of pain; horrifying and debilitating, except with less twangy, yodelly bits, and almost no steel-guitar.

Yesterday, though he noticed something.  That blush Buffy had had when he mentioned a camera after their ‘sleepover with weapons thing.’  And last night- that horrible night- Willow had called him late to tell him Buffy had saved Giles, and was staying the night with her.  “Twice in two nights Buffy and Willow had sought comfort in each other’s arms.  For the whole night. 

Something was going on.  Willow was definitely crushing on Buffy.  Once Xander got past the shock of Willow showing a sudden interest in girls, he had to admit that at least she had good taste in them.  Now, Buffy seemed to be getting much closer to Willow .  Did she have feelings for his bestest buddy in the whole world?  Frankly, he would more surprised to find that Buffy liked girls than he was at Willow liking girls- Buffy seemed to be pretty aggressively into boys, “Especially big, dumb, brooding, mysterious types,” he grumbled. 

He knew Willow would be afraid to tell him that she liked girls in general, but Buffy in particular.  She probably thought he would be mad at her, or call her a pervert or something.  Which, by the way, is exactly what her parents would probably do if they ever found out.

“Poor Willow,” he thought wistfully.

From himself, however, there would be no recriminations whatsoever.  First of all, he really wanted Willow to be happy.  There were times when he wished that he could have been the one… when he wished that he did feel passion for her.  God knows she deserved to be loved.  If a woman made her happy- truly happy, so be it.  If it was Buffy, well that was good for both of them.  They were both loyal, they were already friends… he loved them both… “Hell of a lot better than shacking up with a damned vampire!” he thought bitterly.

Xander felt like, if he couldn’t have Buffy- and it seemed that that was the unfortunate case- he’d rather see her with Willow than with some guy that wasn’t him.

Besides, thinking of the two of them together would fuel his fantasies for years!  “What can I say?” he thought.  “I’m a red-blooded male- the thought of two sexy women together?  No badness there!”

Xander spent the remainder of second period imagining his two best friends in the world locked in a passionate- read: ‘naked’- embrace.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 4

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

By lunchtime, Xander was concerned- he hadn’t seen Buffy or Willow all day.  While Buffy had been known to cut the occasional class, Willow missing class scared him almost as much as an impending apocalypse.  “How sad is it that I can actually make that a literal comparison?” Xander wondered to himself.

He took a moment to ponder the possibility that maybe they had both realized their feelings for each other and decided to spend the day having a lesbian lust party.  “Nah, Willow still wouldn’t miss school,” he decided.  Plus, the whole Ms. Calendar being dead/Giles being an emotional wreck craziness was all fresh and new.  He didn’t think they would be ready for anything like that even if they did realize their feelings.

Finally his worry was too great and he decided to skip class to go see to Willow’s house.  “And, If I’m wrong, and they are having smoochies… Well, I’ll just have to risk it,” he thought- smiling at the mental picture.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy had just gotten dressed and walked down to find her mother hovering over the paper with a cup of coffee in hand.  Suddenly coffee seemed like an absolute necessity.  She hadn’t had much sleep last night and, combined with the emotional upheaval from Ms. Calendar’s death, and Giles’ near death had her feeling really out of it.  To top it off, her early morning sexcapades with her sleeping best friend had her mind still whirling with guilt, confusion, and even desire and pleasure- which sparked even higher levels of confusion and guilt.

Joyce Summers was accustomed to her daughter being less than sociable first thing in the morning, but the look in Buffy’s eyes spoke of desperation and near-madness. 

She stood up and stepped in front of her daughter, grasping her shoulders and ducking down to meet her eyes, “Oh my God! Buffy?  What’s wrong Honey?”

Buffy would never be sure if it was the confusion, the exhaustion, her subconscious need to discuss this with someone, or what.  She thought, “How do you tell your mother that you woke up with your best friend in the whole world making love to you in her sleep?”

At least she thought, she thought.  Seeing the look in her mother’s eyes, she realized that she might have thought a little too loudly.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow woke up to the sound of someone pounding on her front door.  She realized that she was laying on the floor of her bathroom, curled up on her side.  She sat up stiffly, “Ouch!  My shoulder hurts!” she thought.  She stretched her arm out, trying to work the kinks out, and wondering why she was in the bathroom.  “How did I end up…” her thoughts trailed off as the memories of last night whipped through her mind; good thoughts, leading to her and Buffy falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Somehow, she felt the safest and most loved that she had ever been in her life at that moment.  Despite her aching sadness at the death of her mentor, both in computers and in her burgeoning desire to learn magic.  She knew that Buffy was mad at Jenny for the whole ‘secret gypsy spy’ deal and kind of blamed her for Angel losing his soul, but she couldn’t help feeling for the woman;  she was just being loyal to her people.  Anyway, despite that sorrow, and how horrible she felt for Giles, she still cherished that brief snippet of time; cuddled up in the arms of the woman she loved, even if that woman didn’t know of her feelings.

Immediately on the heels of that warm, cozy memory came the bad thoughts.  Mind-numbing fear and self-revulsion at the events of this morning.  Her arm dropped back to her side as fresh tears of pain descended the well traveled path down her cheeks. 

She didn’t even notice as the pounding stopped and the door opened.  Her keening wail drowned out the footsteps running through the house and the voice of her childhood friend calling her name.

So it was that Xander found her, on the floor, knees drawn tightly up against her chest, face in her hands and sobbing.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Xander’s heart wept at the sight of his best friend since forever huddled on the floor, crying her eyes out.  He was at her side in an instant, gently stroking her hair as he tried to find out what the hell had happened to hurt his Willow so badly.  “If Buffy did this to her, I’ll kill her!” he swore to himself.

“Wills, come on, its me.  What happened?” Xander asked, his tenderness and concern evident in his voice.

Willow shook her head, too choked up to make a sound other than the high-pitched keening that tore forth from her throat as she cried, her entire body shaking with the overflowing emotional torment.

Xander wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, cuddling her against his chest and letting her pour out her pain onto him while he stroked her hair and rocked her gently.  His own tears of frustration, anger and sadness wet his face as hers soaked his shirt.  He decided to let her cry herself out before trying to find out what happened.  Not patient by nature, he forced himself to provide whatever he could for the woman to whom he owed his very sanity.

Finally, after about 5 minutes, her tears subsided enough to speak.

“Xander!” she wailed, her voice agonized.  “I- I ruined everything, Buffy hates me.  What am I going to do?”  Her question carried a sense of terrible despair.

Xander never let up soothingly combing his fingers through her long red hair.  “Buffy could never hate you, Wills,” Xander said with absolute certainty.  “Tell me what happened,” he gently asked.

Willow pulled away from him, saying, “I- I… I can’t! You’ll hate me too!”

Xander pulled her back to him, holding her tightly.  “Not possible.  I could never hate you.  I could be angry or sad, or confused, but I could never hate you.  Not even if I tried.  You’re my best friend in the whole world, Willow .  Nothing could ever change that.”

Willow shook her head, convinced that her behavior was so reprehensible that it was beyond forgiveness.  She almost wanted Xander to hate her- to tell her what a horrible person she was.  “You *should* hate me, I deserve it!  I’m bad… dirty.  Bad, horrid, evil, Willow .”

Xander cut off her tirade.  “Just tell me, Wills.  What Happened?”

Willow whispered so low that Xander couldn’t quite hear her.

“What?” he asked.

It had been almost impossible to say it in the first place, and now she had to repeat it?  She forced it out in a strangled yell, “I raped Buffy!”  She held her breath waiting for him to push her away, to tell her he never wanted to see her again.  She just knew that her life was over.  Her parent’s hated her- why else would they leave her alone while they traveled away every chance they got?  Now Buffy hated her and Xander…

Her self-flagellation was cut short when she realized that Xander wasn’t pushing her away… He was… He was laughing at her!

Willow screamed, “It’s not funny!  I raped my best friend!”  She goggled at him as he laughed even louder.  “How can you laugh at me?!  It’s not funny!” she began to beat on his chest as she yelled “It’s not funny!” over and over.

Xander finally managed to control himself.  He grabbed her hands and forced her to look at him.

“ Willow !  Buffy is a slayer!” he said slowly, as though explaining a simple concept to an incredibly slow child.

Willow just looked baffled by his apparent non sequitur. 

Xander let go of her enough so he could look into her eyes.  He explained- “Do you really think you could do something to her, that she didn’t want you to do?”

Willow just stared at him, like a monkey trying to solve a math problem.

Xander’s smile of humor softened into one of love for his dear, totally insecure, best friend.  “Hello, Slayer strength?  Slayer reflexes?  Can take out a pack of vamps quicker than you can say ‘Mmm, dusty!’?” he paused, looking for some indicator of comprehension from her.  “Come on, Willow!  You’re the big brain around here, figure it out!  Unless you gave her a handful of rufies first, if you tried to do something Buffy didn’t want you to do… she would have stopped you!”

“I- I-“ Willow stuttered and then just stopped, a look of frustration and confusion on her face.

Xander tenderly cupped Willow ’s cheek, “Tell me what happened.”

Willow ’s eyes got huge and she blushed furiously.  “Xander!  I can’t…”

Xander interrupted her, “I don’t need *those* details, Wills.  I mean, I *want* them…” He mugged at her, trying for at least a smile, if not an outright giggle.

Willow slapped his chest.  “Xander!” she said loudly, acting outraged.

Xander caught the hint of a grin under the outrage and chalked that one up as ‘mission accomplished.’  “Just give me an overview.  What makes you think you…”

“Raped Buffy?” Willow said harshly.  She pulled herself out of his arms and sat down next to him, her eyes on the floor.  “I was having a dream, uh… about…” she trailed off, not believing she was about to say this, to Xander of all people.

Xander had to literally bite his tongue to keep from speaking, but he sensed that any interruption at this point would at least detract her, if not cause her to shut him out entirely.  He was burning with the need to know what happened, not just because he was curious, or because the thought of his two best friends engaged in smoochies turned him on like a light- which, by the way it did- but because he knew Willow.  And, he knew Buffy.  The former being the princess of self-blame, the latter being the queen of poor communication.  He just knew that; whatever had happened, Willow was probably misinterpreting it so that it was her fault, and Buffy was probably refusing to speak about it.

Willow kept her eyes locked on her hands, which were tightly clasped in her lap.  She was surprised that Xander wasn’t saying anything, and she hoped he kept it up.  It was going to be hard enough to say this at all, let alone twice.  She still expected Xander to hate her when she told him what she had done, but she thought it no less than what she deserved. 

Taking a deep shuddering breath, she began again, “I was dreaming.  About Buffy.  W-We were doing… stuff…” 

She had to pause for a moment as the memories of that intense dream replayed in her head. 

She had dreamed about Buffy lots of times, but never like this before.  Hot, hard, passionate… dark.  It had been the most graphic dream she’d ever had about anyone, let alone Buffy.  She must have let Buffy’s ‘dominatrix comment really get to her, because in her dream, that’s exactly what she was.  Leather thigh boots and a leather corset had been her only covering- leaving all the naughty parts uncovered!  She had Buffy tied down; spread eagle, gagged and blindfolded.  Willow had been pumping her fingers into Buffy mercilessly.  Hard and fast, her other hand groping Buffy’s breasts, pinching and tugging on her nipples, kneading the soft, pliant flesh; her only goal to make Buffy lose control like she never had before.  The sounds Buffy had made, screaming into the gag… Well, they pretty much matched the sounds she woke up to- Buffy screaming into her pillow as her body shivered and shuddered through her climax.

Xander felt himself begin to stiffen in his pants- Willow was clearly reminiscing about her dream.  She wasn’t saying a word, but her breathing was becoming labored, and her face was flushed bright red.  “Wow!  Must have been some dream!” he thought.

Breaking herself away from the intense memories, Willow recalled the next part- where the wonder turned to horror.  “And w- when I woke up…”  Tears began to fall once again as she brokenly continued, “I- I was… I was…” she sniffled mightily.  “I was really doing that to her,” she said with a sob.

Before she could break down again, Xander quickly asked her, “What did Buffy do?”

Willow was startled by the question.  “Huh?  What do you mean?”

Xander goggled momentarily, “What did she do?  Was she awake; was she asleep?  Did she do anything or say anything?  Did she slap you, or kiss you, or what?”

Willow ’s self castigating reminiscence had never gone as far as Buffy’s response, and she had to think about it for a moment.  “Awake, definitely.  She… had her pillow pushed up against her face… and she was screaming…”

Xander asked, “Was she screaming like ‘Oh God, the pain!’?  Or…”

Willow remembered the scream as it dwindled into a moan, and she thought of the evidence of Buffy’s climax on her hand when she pulled away.  She also remembered how much she had wanted to put those fingers in her mouth and taste the slayer’s passion.  “Or!” she shouted- blushing profusely, but not wanting Xander to actually verbalize it.

“I think… ‘or’.”  Nodding her head as though agreeing with herself, she added, “Definitely ‘or’.”

“Then what happened?” Xander asked, ruthlessly suppressing his natural instinct to crack a joke about how good Willow was.

Willow was ashamed to admit that she ran away at that point, but it was the truth, and besides, how bad could that be compared to everything else she had just admitted?  “I, uh… I got up and ran in here.”

“You didn’t say anything?” Xander asked incredulously.

“I- I don’t…” she began, trying to think.  “I don’t remember.  I… I just had to get away.” She stammered.

“When did all this go down?” Xander asked, trying to imagine where Buffy must have gone.

Willow tried to think, “I don’t know.  It was still dark, I think.”

“ Willow !  It’s after noon !  Have you been sitting in her since before sunrise?” he asked, pain in his voice at the thought of his best friend spending seven or eight hours beating herself up over this.

“I fell asleep.  I just woke up before you came.” She said in a little girl voice, as though he was reprimanding her.

Xander softened instantly- putting aside his anger over this whole situation to care for his friend.  “Come on, Wills.  Let’s get you up.  At least let’s go back to your room…” he began.

“NO!” Willow shouted, then dropped her head, mortified at her reaction.  “Please Xander… I can’t… not yet…” she begged him to understand.

Xander got it: ‘scene of the crime.’ She couldn’t face the place where she had done this- in her mind- terrible thing.  “Shh, it’s ok, Wills.  Look- let me get you some clothes, then you’ll take a shower and I’ll go and make some breakfast.  Ok?  And then we can talk some more,” he said as he pulled her up to her feet with him, steadying her as she wobbled a bit.

Willow put her hand on his arm as he was about to leave, “Why are you being so nice to me?” she asked.  “After what I did?  And I know how you feel about…”

Xander cut her off by putting his finger to her lips.  “Look, It’s obvious that you have a thing for Buffy.  I’ve seen the way you look at her lately.  I know you have been falling in love with her.”

Willow gasped to hear Xander casually reveal what she had been thinking of as her deep, dark secret.

Xander smiled, “I’m not as clueless as you guys think.” He said.  At her raised brow, he clarified, “Not always at least.”

She almost smiled in return.

Xander continued.  “You guys need to work this out.  Either she has feelings for you, or she doesn't.”

“She doesn’t.” Willow said as though it were written in stone.

Xander smiled at Willow ’s typical insecurity.  “Yeah?  Well, I’m not so sure.  Either way, take it from someone who knows- even if she doesn’t; you can get past it and still be friends.”

Willow felt even more guilty.  She knew Xander loved Buffy too.  She had spent many hours consoling her friend after Buffy rejected him.  “Xander, I…”

Xander interrupted, not wanting Willow to beat herself up over this as well, “ Willow , come on.  I’ve moved on.  Hello, Cordelia?  Relationship?  I’m good.”

Willow gave him a look that clearly conveyed the fact that she didn’t believe him.

Xander smiled at that ‘Classical Willow’ look.  “Yeah, I’ll always have feelings for her.  But, I’ve accepted the fact that she won’t.  Have feelings for me that is.”  Reverting to his joking nature, he added, “Besides, just the thought of the two of you together is enough to give me a happy.”

“Xander!” Willow shouted- mock outraged- and smacking him on the arm.  She chuckled at his ‘typical male’ behavior.

Xander grinned, happy knowing that he had made her laugh.  “Seriously, Wills.  I know you love her as much as I do.  I’d much rather see her with you than Angel, or Owen… or anyone else on the planet who isn’t me…”  Before she could further protest the impossibility of a relationship between her and Buffy, Xander firmly said, “Shower.  Dressed.  Breakfast.  No talking allowed until those three things have been accomplished!” 

He turned to walk away but stopped at the door.  He looked over his shoulder at her- standing there looking pathetic and sad.  Emotion choking his voice, he said, “I love you Wills.  You’re my best friend in the whole world.  You always have been and you always will be.  No matter what.”  Then he left to go get her something to wear.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 5

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

 “You had sex with Xander?!” Joyce Summers tried to keep her voice down, but it came out as a sort of strangled shout.

Buffy covered her face with her hands, shaking her head.  She really, really didn’t want to have this conversation, but unfortunately, her brain had failed to censor her mouth, and she had made a comment about waking up to having sex with her best friend while she was still sleeping.

Just then Buffy’s words finished filtering through Joyce’s mind and she caught the ‘in her sleep’ part.  She wasn’t quite as successful at keeping the shout strangled, “YOU HAD SEX WITH *WILLOW?!*”

“God! Mom!  Could you shout it a little louder?  I don’t think they heard you in *China!*” Buffy hissed sarcastically as she walked into the living room and sat down, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her chest as though she could hide behind it.

Joyce sat down on the coffee table in front of her.  She could see that her daughter was upset and not a little confused herself.  She wanted and explanation, but didn’t want to break the fragile detanté they had achieved recently.  “Buffy?” she asked gently.

Buffy had been running all the hows and whys through her mind all morning and they began to spill out of her.  “I know, mom.  ‘How could this happen?’ ‘what’s wrong with you?’ ‘What will people say?’”

Joyce couldn’t believe she was actually going to say this, but she had to address at least the last comment before Buffy’s self recrimination took over, “Buffy, what ever is going on with you… you can’t let it be about what others think.  If you ever want to be happy, you have to do what’s right for you.”

Buffy goggled at this strange creature the aliens had replaced her mother with.

Joyce smiled at the stunned look on her daughter’s face, “Didn’t think you’d ever hear that from me, huh?”

Buffy shook her head, “Not about this…”

Joyce’s brief foray into the realm of supporto-gal ended with a crash as she recalled the subject at hand.  “Honey, I meant what I said, but…”

Buffy just raised her brows

“…are you sure this is what is best?  You and Willow …”

“I don’t know!” Buffy almost wailed.  She began pacing back and forth, her aggravation clearly demonstrated. 

Joyce was torn between wanting to help, and her own fears and prejudices.  She had never had anything against lesbians in general, but she had never imagined her daughter would be a lesbian, either.  She was suddenly struck with the memory of their conversation only last night, and she blurted out without thinking, “I thought you liked boys, Buffy.  What about that Angel boy you…” she trailed off, unable to say the words- ‘had sex with’ or even ‘slept with’ as though saying them out loud would somehow make it more real.

Buffy stopped pacing and whirled on her mother.  “That’s just it, I *do* like boys.  I *did* love Angel, and if he hadn’t gone psycho, I still would.”

“But now you like girls too?” Joyce asked, confused.

Buffy flopped down on the couch.  She was confused too.  Plus she couldn’t believe that she was having this conversation with her mother.  “I don’t know, mom.  Lately I’ve been really touchy-feely with Willow …” she trailed off seeing her mother’s blush and feeling her own. “No! not… I mean… no sexy, no kissy… just casual stuff- hugs, holding hands…”

Joyce frowned a bit at that, “but you and Willow always hug and hold hands.  I thought it was just girlfriends stuff, not *girlfriends* stuff… I mean… you know what I mean!”

Buffy jumped on that, gesturing in agreement, “Exactly!  Just best-friends stuff!  But, lately… I don’t know… hugs last longer, we hold hands longer…” she paused, only just then realizing how much time they spend in physical contact of some kind or other.  “Yesterday when she slept over, we woke up holding each other.  Nothing happened!” she was quick to point out.  “But, we didn’t let go right away either.”  Buffy smiled, remembering the feelings.  “It was nice.  Really nice.  I felt happy holding her.”

Joyce couldn’t help but ask, “And this morning?”

Buffy ducked her head- she was deeply embarrassed about this morning.  Even more mortifying was the fact that it wasn’t the being felt up part that she felt bad about.  It was the fact that she didn’t feel bad about it that made her feel bad.  “God, issues much?” she thought, channeling the spirit of Cordelia, apparently.

Plus, she still couldn’t believe she was going to tell her mom this.  But, she had to tell someone or she would self-destruct.

She began slowly, not meeting her mother’s gaze, “We were sleeping, and I woke up.  Willow was… touching me.”  Buffy paused, waiting to see if her mother would have any comment.

Joyce could tell this was very difficult for her daughter.  She remained silent, just waiting for her to share what she could.  She was surprised to get anything- expecting Buffy to close her out as usual.

Buffy went on after a moment, “I heard her- she was talking in her sleep.  Obviously she was dreaming about someone… I was about to wake her up when she said my name.  She started talking and I realized she was dreaming about me, and… acting out her dream, I guess.”

Joyce, not really wanting specifics, asked, “What happened when she woke up?”

Buffy was happy not to go into any more detail, she couldn’t imagine telling her mother that Willow made her cum so hard she was screaming into a pillow.  “She wigged, she ran into the bathroom… I wigged and took off running.”

“Buffy!” Joyce said, concerned.  “Poor Willow , she must be devastated!”

Buffy was upset with herself for that as well.  “I know, I know.  I shouldn’t have taken off, but…  I don’t know what I would have said!  I still don’t know for sure.  Do I want a relationship with Willow ?”  the nervous energy was back and she jumped up and began pacing again.  “I mean, I love Willow- I couldn’t imagine her not being in my life!  And we’re just the best of friends, and I never thought about girls like that before.  I imagined myself kissing Cordelia and was just like, ‘Eww, not even going there,’ but then I pictured my self kissing Willow and I was all, ‘Mmmm!’ and shivery; and this morning I… she made me… Wow! I mean, blew Angel clean out of the water! And…

Buffy saw the deer-in-the-headlights look on her mom’s face and trailed off.  She realized just how much she had shared and gulped loudly.  “Uh, can you ignore that last bit?  Please?  Just forget I ever said it.”

Joyce said, “I’m trying to, I really am.”

Buffy collapsed once again into the couch and put her head into her hands.  “Oooohhh! What am I gonna do?” she whined.

Buffy would later tell Giles that the combination of guilt, confusion, frustration and exhaustion- plus the flu bug that everyone else at school seemed to be suffering from- had led to the verbal hemorrhaging her brain was doing.

Joyce had leaned forward to comfort her daughter, when she heard something that would change both of their lives forever.

“God! How sad is my life? It’s not enough that I screw Angel’s soul right out of him so he goes on a killing spree.  No! I’ve got to have sex with my best friend on the same night he murders my watcher’s girlfriend and almost kills him too!  *This* is why I hate being the slayer!” Buffy moaned in aggrandized self-pity.

Hearing a startled gasp, and looking up to find herself almost nose to nose with her mother, who’s eyes were wide and glazed, Buffy found one more reason to hate her life.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy never made it to school that day, and her mother never made it to the gallery. 

Heated words had been exchanged, voices had been raised and tears had been shed.  Buffy felt sorry for her mom- in the space of less than 24 hours she had learned that her daughter had sex with her best, and also female, friend, who she was now considering having a relationship with.  That she’d had sex with an older man.  And- oh, by the way- he was really a vampire who had killed several of Buffy’s classmates and her computer teacher.  Plus, her daughter was really The Slayer- the one girl in all the world chosen to fight the vampires… blah, blah, blah.

She knew her mom still wasn’t completely accepting the whole vampire thing. She’d reminded her mom of all the times she had washed blood out of her clothes, and showed her her weapons trunk.  She tacked up a playing card to the door frame in her room and threw three knives in rapid succession into the center of the ace of diamonds, and still her mom was in denial.  Finally, watching Buffy turn the fire poker into a corkscrew with out braking a sweat convinced her that there had to be some truth to her outrageous story.  She had left her sitting on the couch with a tall glass of wine and the corkscrewed fireplace implement.  She promised that she and Giles would sit down with her after the funeral tomorrow and try and explain everything.

She just hoped Giles didn’t wig too badly when she told him.

Right now though, she needed to go find Willow , throw herself at the girl’s feet and beg for mercy for being such a terrible friend that morning.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy had walked slowly to Willow ’s house.  Thinking about what she was going to say, rehearsing possible opening lines.  She had decided that she wanted to try a relationship- a girlfriend relationship.  She was plenty scared, but she felt something there; and it felt good- it felt right.  She just hoped Willow could forgive her for bailing this morning. 

As she approached the front door, she heard Willow talking to Xander- slayer hearing working in her favor- apparently they were in the kitchen.  She couldn’t help but listen to the tail end of the conversation as she neared the door.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow and Xander had been talking for about an hour by the time Buffy got there.  True to his word, he had prepared a scrumptious feast of scrambled eggs and toast.  He’d had to cajole her to eat any of it, as she was still quite upset, and her stomach felt all rumbly.  She did feel better after she got it down.

Xander had let her set the tone of the conversation, wincing when her first question was about his and Cordelia’s relationship.

“What do you see in her, Xander?” she asked, somewhat forlornly. 

Xander realized it was crunch time.  They could dance around the issue like always, but what she really wanted to know was why he didn’t want her.

“You mean, why would I rather be with someone I hate, than be with you?” he asked as gently as he could.

Willow ducked her head, not wanting to admit that, but not denying it either.

Xander hopped up onto the counter across from where Willow was leaning.  He looked at his best friend silently until she lifted her head so he could see her eyes.  “No matter what I say, Willow , it’s going to sound like a bunch of crap- like I’m blowing you off.  But, I’m gonna say it anyway, ‘cause it’s the truth.” He paused for a moment, waiting for some response from her.

Finally, Willow nodded her head once.

“You are like my sister, Wills.  I know that’s cliché, but I swear it’s true.  I love you with my whole soul.  You saved me.  Every day we were friends together, you saved me from my crappy family, and from this crappy town.  You and Jesse were like the only thing that kept me from losing it.  I would risk my life to save yours, Wills.  I’d die for you.  Without even a thought.  Cordy called me on it one night- she was whining that I’d die for you or Buffy, and what would I do for her?  And she’s right.  I love you way more than I love her.”

Willow crossed her arms and said with some bitterness, “But…”

Xander sighed deeply.  “Yeah, ‘but.’  I know you won’t believe it, but I think you are beautiful when you want to be.  That outfit you wore under your ghost costume was hot!  I’ve checked you out on occasion… and I like what I see.  It’s just… maybe because I’ve always seen you as my best friend… like a sister…” He threw up his hands in frustration, his brain failing to give him the words to adequately convey his feelings.  “I don’t know, whatever!  All I know is, I want you as my best friend forever.  But…”

“But you don’t want me as your girlfriend.” Willow said resignedly, her arms falling to her sides.

Xander slid down off of the counter and stepped over to Willow .  He tucked her hair behind her ear on the right side and looked into her eyes.  With tears streaming down from his own eyes he said, “I wished I did, Willow.  So many times I wished that I felt that way about you.  You would have been the perfect girlfriend, and you deserve to be loved, and I hate that I hurt you so much.”

Willow couldn’t help but cry when she saw how much he hurt for her.  Her pain was his pain, and even though they would never be in love with each other, she felt closer to him at that moment than she had ever felt with anyone in her life.  Even if it wasn’t exactly what she used to crave from him, she knew his love for her was real and strong.  She wrapped her arms tightly around him and felt him envelop her in a fierce hug as well. 

They stood there for several minutes, crying in each other’s arms.

Finally Xander dropped his arms and took a step back.  Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he joked, “So, you’ve dropped the ol’ Xan-man like a bad habit, and now you’re in love with Buffy the vampire slayer.”

Willow slapped Xander on the arm, saying, “Jeez, Xander!  Cordelia much?  Her tactlessness rubbing off on you?”

Xander just chuckled.  “I don’t hear a denial…”

Willow couldn’t deny it of course.  “It doesn’t give you the wiggins?” she asked, still scared of being rejected by Xander as well as Buffy.

Xander hopped back up onto the counter.  “Seriously, Willow- I never thought of you deciding to play for the home team, but… no.  no wig here.”  He grinned, “If you told me you were falling for Harmony…”

Willow quickly interrupted, “Ugh! Xander!  Please, I just ate!”

Xander laughed at the look of disgust on her face.

Willow did a full-body shudder at the thought of kissing the chief Cordette.  A cruel thought came to mind and she couldn’t stop herself from saying it out loud- “Besides, if I wanted to make time with a cruel, evil bitch… Oh, wait, I forgot.  She’s already taken.”  She waited for his reaction.

It took Xander a moment to catch the reference.  Then, “Hey!”

Willow laughed delightedly at the look on Xander’s face.  “Sorry, Xan, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em!”

Xander shook his head ruefully, knowing he deserved that for the Harmony reference.  “Only I could date the most popular girl in school and get grief from my friends for it. 

They both laughed at that.

After a moment, Willow ’s face fell and she plaintively asked, “What am I going to do, Xander?  After I… after…” she gestured helplessly for a moment, trying to find the right words.  Giving up, she said, “After this morning… She must hate me, Xander.”

“No way, Wills.  Buffy could never hate you!” Xander interrupted.

“Well, she took off fast enough, and she hasn’t called…”

Xander tried to reassure her, “I’m sure she’s confused too, Wills.”

Just then they both jumped when there was a knock at the door.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 6

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Buffy agreed with Xander.  She could never hate Willow .  Not even if she tried.  “Not that I’ve actually ever tried,” she thought.  “I mean, why would I try…” She recognized her subconscious desire to postpone this confrontation by having a silly argument with herself.  “I need to get this done!” she shouted at herself.

With a big sigh, and another silent agreement with Xander- “I certainly was confused,” she admitted- she knocked on the door.

She heard Willow ’s worried whisper, “Oh, God!  What if that’s her?”  Xander answered, “Calm down Wills.  If it’s her, she’s obviously here to talk to you.  Now- you stand right there, and I’ll get the door.”

Buffy heard him walk to the door and open it.  He stood there for a moment, not speaking.

Buffy nervously shifted from foot to foot before saying, “Hi.”

Xander smiled ever so slightly at Buffy’s anxious expression.  He figured Willow was about to be a very happy girl.  He stepped out the door, pulling it half-shut behind him and forcing Buffy back a step.  At her confused expression he said, “I love you Buffy.  I think you know that…  But, if you hurt her, I’ll never forgive you.”

Buffy was stunned for a moment at the seeming non sequitor, but then the full meaning of his statement, and the question contained therein hit her.  She smiled and pulled him into a hug. 

Releasing a somewhat stunned-looking Xander, she assured him, “You are a great friend, Xan; Thank you.  And, I don’t plan on ever hurting her.”

Xander smiled in both relief and happiness for his two best friends in the world.  As he went to walk away, he added with a sly smile, “If you really want to thank me, invest in a video camera,”

Buffy glared as he danced out of the way of her smack on the arm, “God! Xander!  You just can’t resist, can you?”  At his laugh she threatened, “If you’re not careful, I’m gonna tell Cordelia you said that.”  She laughed outright at his stunned look of horror.

“You wouldn’t,” he pleaded, his face ashen.

Buffy struck a pose, arms crossed, weight on one foot, the other slightly forward and tapping on the porch.  Her face had a serious expression on it and she had one eyebrow raised, as though she were considering some lower life form that she would normally not deign to speak to, “Xander, I’m the slayer.  I don’t make idle threats.”

“Uh, nevermind.  I’m leaving now.  You go talk to Willow ,” he said as he took off running- visions of a pissed off Cordelia scurrying across his thoughts.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Willow was nearly hyperventilating as she paced back and forth frantically.  “OhGod!OhGod!OhGod!” kept running through her mind over and over.  When Buffy’s head peaked around the corner from the living room, followed rapidly by the rest of her, Willow panicked.  She took a step toward her, then froze.  She started to reach out to her but then drew her hand back swiftly to her side.  Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.

Buffy was very nervous herself, after all she had essentially gotten her jollies off of Willow and then bailed on her.  She kinda thought Willow might be a little pissed off about that.  But, she knew that Willow thought that she hated her, or at least she was afraid of it.  Willow must have felt that she had done something bad to Buffy.  And, while one might make a case for inappropriate, or even poor timing- there was no badness there.  She waited for Willow to say something.  When nothing was forthcoming, she started off with, “Hi Willow.”

She meant to say a bunch more, but her brief words seemed to have opened a floodgate on Willow ’s insecurities.

“Oh, Buffy!” she cried out, “I’m so sorry!  You must hate me, what I did was so terrible, and, well, ok I was sleeping but I should have known, and then for you to find out I lo… like you like that and I know you’re not- I mean; you like boys, and…” she paused to take a deep, ragged breath.

Buffy was too startled by her outburst to say anything for a moment.

Assuming the worst from Buffy’s silence, Willow started to cry- her nightmare of Buffy rejecting her and reviling her rose to the surface of her mind.  “I’m so sorry!” she sobbed out.  “I promise I’ll never do any or say anything again, just please don’t hate me Buffy!”  The pain of assumed rejection was like a physical weight pressing on her chest.  She hated herself for breaking down like this.  She berated herself, “Why would she even want to be your friend!?  You molest her in her sleep and then cry like a baby the moment you see her!!!” 

Willow slowly started to collapse, sliding down the face of the cupboards until she was on her knees, hunched over, her arms wrapped around her stomach.  She felt absolutely beat-down by the emotional pain of rejection and the abject humiliation of breaking down in front of the girl she loved.

Buffy felt horrible- She knew Willow was a very sensitive and insecure person.  Despite the fact that Buffy thought she was so wonderful, and smart and beautiful;  Willow still had a self image of the shy little nerd that no one loved or would ever love.  “And I fed right into that when I ran this morning.  I knew she had abandonment issues, and what did I do but abandon her?” Buffy mentally castigated herself.

Her own face wet with tears she rushed to Willow’s side.  Crouching down she said, “How could I ever hate you Willow ?  You’re my best friend.”  Deciding that she didn’t want to have a conversation on the kitchen floor, Buffy scooped Willow up into her arms and carried her into the living room.  She thought about taking her up to her bed, but didn’t think Willow would be able to handle that at the moment.  She set Willow down on the loveseat, her back against the arm, and then sat down against the other arm so they were facing each other, knees almost touching as Willow had her legs drawn up under her, and Buffy sat Indian-style.

“ Willow , please look at me,” Buffy said as Willow kept her tear stained face looking into her lap.  When she didn’t respond, Buffy reached over and took one hand from where it was busy wringing the other, and held it between her own.  “Please, Willow?”

Willow forced herself to look up at Buffy’s face, taking in the tear tracks and shiny, tear-filled eyes.  Before she could begin apologizing again, Buffy spoke.

“ Willow , I don’t hate you.  I could never hate you.  You are my best friend.  You and Xander are the only friends I have, and I don’t plan on losing you- not ever!  Certainly not over this.”  The ‘this’ in question was obviously a reference to this morning.

Willow ’s guilt was too strong to be so easily allayed.  “How can you be ok with this? I- I…”  her eyes dropped to her lap once again and she pulled her hand back as she continued quietly, “I *raped* you Buffy!”

Buffy interjected, “No!  No way, Willow !  If anyone is to blame for that it’s me.”

Willow goggled at her as though she had grown a second head.  She wouldn’t have been more surprised at that moment if Buffy had told her that she caught Giles dressed in a pink Tutu and pirouetting to the music of swan lake.  “How can you say that?” she asked, totally bewildered.

Buffy dropped her gaze now, embarrassed by her behavior that morning.  She would rather not talk about this either, but there was no way she was going to let Willow blame herself for something that she wasn’t even aware she was doing.  “Especially when I should have stopped it!” she chastised herself.

A blush slowly crept up Buffy’s face as she spoke, “I woke up this morning feeling really good.”  Buffy closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of the couch, both because it was easier to remember the events and it allowed Willow to look at her as she spoke.  “I felt your hand under my shirt, touching me and I pressed into it.  Then I heard your voice, and you were talking sexy talk, and I realized you were dreaming.”  Buffy’s breath hitched slightly, both in embarrassment, and also a little arousal as she relived the feelings.

Willow was amazed at how candid Buffy was being.  In one way it hurt because she was reliving the events that she had slept through the first time, allowing her new thoughts to beat herself up about- especially because a part of her wished she could remember how it felt to touch Buffy that way, “It’s not like I’ll ever get another chance,” she thought.

Buffy continued, “Then I felt your other hand on my tummy, sliding down toward…” she left off there, too embarrassed to say it out loud, even as she remembered the sudden heat and wetness that had sparked when she felt Willow’s hand nearing the elastic of her panties.

Willow ’s breathing became shallow and she scolded herself for it, “how perverted am I?!  I’m getting hot hearing Buffy describe how I molested her!”

Buffy kept her eyes closed, knowing that if she looked at Willow , she wouldn’t be able to continue.  “I was going to stop you then, even though it felt…” she couldn’t yet say that out loud.  She couldn’t tell Willow how good it felt- not until she got the whole thing out.  She was trying to ask for forgiveness, not seduce the redhead.

“Anyway.  Then I heard you say my name, and I realized that you were dreaming about me!  You were having a sex dream about me!  And, I should have stopped you, but then your hand… and it felt so… a- and I should have stopped you, but… but I didn’t.”  Buffy dropped her head into her hands, crying.  “I should have done something Willow .  I’m so sorry... I just let you go on and on until I…” 

Willow ’s jaw dropped even farther as Buffy sobbed, “And then, when you wigged out and ran away, I just laid there, still…  And then even when I recovered I didn’t go and tell you it was ok,  I could hear you crying and I knew I should have said something but I didn’t!”  Buffy finally opened her eyes and looked into Willow ’s, “I was so confused…  I just ran and ran until I found a couple of Vamps and I just beat on them until I was exhausted.  I’m so sorry Willow !  I… I…”

Willow was still so stunned that she couldn’t say anything.  Her mind was whirling in circles, trying to figure out how it was that Buffy could be crying and apologizing for being molested to the person who did it to her!

Buffy took a moment to put herself back together mentally.  She could see that Willow was floundering, and she thought that she would feel just like Willow did in her place, so she could understand how this was confusing to her.  So, Buffy broke it down as simply as she could:  “ Willow .  You were asleep.  You didn’t know what you were doing.  I could have stopped you.  I didn’t.  I’m sorry.  You wigged and I didn’t say anything to you.  I should have.  I’m sorry for that too.  Then, to top it all off, I bailed on you, and left you there blaming yourself.  I’m really sorry about that.”

Buffy reached out and cupped the slack-jawed redhead’s face in her right hand and added, “Can… Will you forgive me?  I forgive you for anything you think you did wrong… even though I think it’s my fault, I know I’d feel the same way as you if it was the other way around, so…”

Willow ’s mind was still in the ‘fire bad, tree pretty’ stage and all she could get out was, “I… you… but…”

Buffy smiled a little at her friend’s impression of a fish-out-of-water.  “Is that a yes?” she asked, “‘Cause I can’t tell,” she teased.

Willow snapped out of her confusion.  “Grrr!” she growled, smiling at being teased.  Immediately after, her smile disappeared and she was very serious as she asked, “Are you really ok with this Buffy?  ‘Cause, I couldn’t stand it if I lost you as a friend.  That’s the most important thing.  Way more important than…”

Buffy interrupted her with a finger on her lips.  “You are so *not* going to lose me as a friend.  I will be your friend for as long as you will let me.  And even after that I’ll be your friend if you ever want me back…”

It was Willow ’s turn to interrupt, taking Buffy’s hand off of her lips and into her own hands, she said, “Never happen.  The second part I mean.  I mean the needing to take you back part, ‘cause that would mean getting rid of you and…”

“I get it Will,” Buffy said, smiling.  Babbling Willow was a back-to-normal Willow .  “Friends forever.”

“You better believe it!”  she said with a sparkle in her eye.  She was so relieved that this didn’t ruin their friendship!  “I’ll never bring up my more-than-friends feelings for her again!” she promised herself.  “I lived with it for years with Xander, I can handle it,” she told herself.

Which is why she was shocked when the next thing out of Buffy’s mouth was, “How long have you had… more than friends feelings for me?”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Xander stopped running after about a block.  His mind was whirling with Buffy/Willow thoughts.  Some were of the naked kind, of course, but mostly he thought about how happy those two would be if they really tried.  He knew Willow adored Buffy- and he wasn’t kidding when he told Willow she would be the perfect girlfriend.  No one Xander had ever met was more loyal, more caring and loving than Willow .  She wasn’t a pushover though- she would go to great lengths for someone, she’d bend over backwards to help, but she wouldn’t let them run her over. 

Spring fling was a perfect example of that.  When Buffy had crushed his heart like a bug, “Ok maybe that’s a bit harsh,” he thought.  When she’d rejected his dating proposition, he had thought Willow would be his fallback.  He knew she wanted to be the one he asked to the dance.  She had turned him down cold, though.  “And, rightly so,” he admitted.  She had called it perfectly- he would have been pining after Buffy the whole time.  He was ashamed afterwards that he had even considered treating her so badly. 

And yet, she forgave him, didn’t get angry, or yell or scream at him; even though he deserved it.  She just kept on being his friend.

Buffy was miserable the entire time she dated Angel.  She’d never admit it, but it was true.  It just wasn’t right- they were too different, and Xander could see how it was eating her up all of the time.  “The king of brood is not what Buffy needs.  She broods plenty all by herself,” he thought with certainty.  Willow would be very good for Buffy.

And, if Buffy would invest even half of the love and commitment that she had with Angel, into a relationship with Willow … “Someone who could actually appreciate it,” he thought with just a little bitterness.  He just knew that Willow would thrive under such attention.  Buffy would invest a great deal of herself into the person she loved- irregardless of what anyone else said or did. 

Of course, in a perfect world- as defined by Xander Harris- Buffy would love him like that, and Willow would have someone else who would love and care for her.

“But I don’t live in a perfect world.  Buffy’s never going to feel that way about me,” he thought.  Neither Buffy nor Willow really knew how much that hurt him.  “And they never will!” he silently vowed.  It had taken him a long time to convince himself that Buffy would never, never love him like he wanted her to.  He had to admit that it would be much easier to cope with Buffy and Willow together than to see her with another guy.  He loved Willow , and seeing her happy made him happy.  He had Buffy’s friendship, and Willow wouldn’t ever feel threatened and try to  interfere with that friendship the way another guy would.  Plus, if Buffy was with a woman, he wouldn’t have to feel like he didn’t measure up to some other man.  He had hated the feeling like she had compared him to Angel, and he had come up short.  “No need to compete against a girl,” he thought.  “It’s a whole different league.”

Now, the question became, “where do I go on the Buffyless road ahead?”

The real question was whether or not to really invest himself in his relationship with Cordelia.  That she had chosen him over her friends, especially after his screw-up with the spell and the resulting ‘Post-Valentine’s-Day-Near-Massacre,’ spoke of a chance at something real.  He was ashamed to admit to himself that he had really only been using Cordelia.  It had started out as nothing more than teen lust. 

She’d been right when she called him on it that night in her car- he spent too much time obsessing over Buffy and Willow when he should have been focused on her.

He needed to decide if he wanted Cordy for Cordy.  No more marking time until the day he could have a shot with Buffy.  That day was never coming and it was time to face up to it.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

Part 7

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

“How long have you had… more than friends feelings for me?”

Willow had just resolved never to bring up her romantic feelings again, not wanting to threaten their friendship, and Buffy had to go and ask that question.

 Buffy waited a moment, and there was no answer.  “ Willow ?  How long?”

Willow was suddenly worried again, as though waiting for the other shoe to drop.  She tried to distract Buffy from the subject, “It’s not a problem, Buffy.  Really.  I mean, I never let it mess things up between me and Xander, right?  I promise I won’t bother you…”

Buffy shut her down, “Don’t, Willow.  Don’t do that.  I know you were miserable a lot of the time with wanting Xander, and having him ignore your feelings.”  She brought her left hand to where Willow still gripped her right and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze between hers, “I need you to trust me enough to tell me anything- no secrets.  I want to trust you the same way…” she trailed off, waiting hopefully for Willow to answer her question.

Willow looked down at their joined hands and made an effort to keep any pain from her voice when she answered.  “I think I started having feelings for you since you sat down next to me on your first day at Sunnydale High. 

Buffy gasped, “Have you always liked…” she trailed off again.

“Girls?” Willow supplied.  “Yes,” she answered simply.

Buffy was a little thrown.  “But Xander…”

“Oh I like boys, too,” Willow interrupted.  “I like both girls and boys.”  Not without some bitterness she continued, “That gives me twice as many opportunities to be rejected.” 

Buffy squeezed her fingers, wincing at the emotional pain Willow had lived with for so long.  Essentially abandoned by her parents, living with unrequited love for her best friend, feeling rejected not only by every boy she ever liked, but the girls too.

Willow reminded herself of her intention to keep the pain out of her voice.  “Anyway… When I first saw you with Cordelia I thought you looked so pretty.  I was sad to see you with that bitch.”

Buffy was shocked to hear that word from Willow ’s mouth, but she kept her own shut, sensing that Willow needed to get this all off of her chest without discussion.

Willow continued, “So then when you came and sat down with me, and you were nice to me, well I guess I was naturally attracted to you.”  She sighed deeply and kept going, “Well, I didn’t really pay attention to it, I mean I’m attracted to lots of people… then when you fought the master- even though you knew you were going to die…” she looked up sternly at Buffy- don’t you think Giles told us how you were going to quit and run away?  And then you came over here after Cordy and I found those bodies, and you comforted me and you went and fought him.  It was just like a romance novel- at least it was for me- like you were going to leave but your love for me made you go out and slay the dragon, or vampire in this case, but you get the picture.”  She stopped, realizing she was about to babble away.  “Pathetic, Huh?”

She didn’t give Buffy the opportunity to answer, pre-empting her with, “I didn’t start dreaming about you until that night Angelus was going to kill me in the school… I just knew I was dead, and then you were there.  Again with the swooping in to save the day like the romance hero to save the heroine.  I dreamed about you that night- that after vanquishing the evil villain, you swept me up in your arms and we kissed…” she thought for a moment about all the wonderfully romantic dreams she’d had about Buffy.

Seeing the look on Willow ’s face she couldn’t help but ask, “Just kissed?”

Willow looked up at her sharply but relaxed when she saw the smile.  With a boldness that surprised her a little, she answered, “In *that* one.”

Buffy raised an eyebrow, “Oh?  There’ve been others?”

Willow continued with the boldness, “Oh yeah!”

Buffy’s eyes widened and sparkled playfully, “Willow Adena Rosenberg!”

Willow grinned- it was that grin that showed her bottom as well as top teeth.  When you saw that grin you knew that she was, for that moment at least, truly happy.  A happy Willow made Buffy very happy.

Still playful, but also curious, Buffy asked, “Like the dream you were having this morning?”

Willow ’s grin slipped away as the events of this morning once again came to the fore.

Buffy sighed, seeing the joy in Willow ’s eyes dim.  “ Willow , we need to get past this.  I’m not mad about anything that happened this morning, except for the part where I bailed on my best friend in the world, but as long as she forgives me, I’ll get past it.”

Willow searched Buffy’s face, looking for any hidden resentment.  Not finding any, she calmed a bit, but asked, “Why do you want to know?”

Buffy wanted to put off her own confession until she heard the answer to her question.  Not so much because she was stalling, but because once she started, she knew it was going to be a long talk.  Plus, Willow had really affected her and she was curious to know what they were doing together in her dream that precipitated that activity. 

“I actually have something to tell you, Willow .  Something important, but I want to know what you were dreaming about first.”  Seeing the hesitation on the redhead’s face, she added, “Obviously, you were dreaming about us having sex.  I’m ok with that Wills, really.  I could tell it was really hot, and I want to know what it was.”

Willow examined her face for another moment before saying, “Ok.”  She dropped her eyes once again- focusing on their joined hands.  There was no way she could look Buffy in the eyes and say what she was about to say.

“We were in a bedroom- neither of ours- and you were on the bed, naked…” she paused, waiting for any negative reaction.  Not receiving any she continued, thinking, “Ok, here’s the hard part…”  Outloud she revealed, “You were… t- tied…” she trailed off, not believing she was actually saying this to Buffy.

Buffy’s breath quickened at the thought of being bound.  She had never imagined playing such games, but the thought wasn’t making her feel anything but hot.  “Hands and feet?” she asked breathlessly.

Willow goggled at the question- more to the point, at the lack of disapproval in the question.  “Uh, yeah… you were tied to the four corners…”

When Willow paused again, Buffy asked, “Were you naked too?”

Willow was quickly moving into a state separate from reality.  Buffy’s acceptance of this line of discussion gave Willow the feeling that they weren’t really having this talk- that this, too, was a dream.  As she began to relive the dream for herself, she was able to describe it- divorcing herself from reality and consequence, and just going with the flow.

At Willow ’s silence, Buffy asked, “Tell me Willow .  What were you wearing?”

Willow answered, her voice slightly dazed from the state she was in, “I had leather boots on, thigh high, with really high heels… I don’t think I could really walk in heels that high.  “I had a corset on, it really pushed up my breasts…”

Buffy had her eyes closed, imagining the scene.  “What else, Willow?” she asked, eager for more.

“Nothing,” Willow answered.

Buffy groaned quietly at the mental picture she drew- filling in the details from her peeping-tom act the other morning.  “Were you touching me?  In the bed, you had one hand playing with my breasts.” She whispered.

Willow ’s own breath began to quicken at the memory.  Her eyes closed involuntarily and she lost herself in the dream- “Oh, yeah.  I was pinching your nipples, pulling on them.  Hard.  You were begging me… I moved one hand down your stomach, you were so wet…  I asked if that was for me…”

“Mmmh!” was Buffy’s only response.

Willow snapped out of the dream, remembering the waking up and wiging out part.  “Ok, I can’t believe I just told you that!” she said, embarrassed.

Buffy willed her breathing to slow and deepen.  After a moment she was able to speak almost normally.  “I know you’re embarrassed, Will.  But that was just about the hottest thing I have ever heard.”

Willow was momentarily proud, “Really?” she asked with a grin.

Buffy exhaled abruptly and said, “Oh yeah!  Are they all that hot?”

Willow was embarrassed again, “God! No!  I mean sometimes we do… stuff… but, that was the first time it was ever so…”

“Kinky?” Buffy supplied.

“I was gonna say, ‘intense,’ but… yeah.”

Neither said anything for a moment, just sitting there, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes.

Buffy broke the silence, “Willow, do you trust me?”

Unhesitatingly, Willow answered, “With my life, Buffy.  You know that.”

Buffy clarified, “Do you trust me not to hurt you?”

Willow thought about it for a half-second before answering.  “I trust you never to hurt me intentionally…”

Buffy smiled sardonically, “That’s fair.”  She paused a moment, working up the courage to say and do what she was about to say and do.  “ Willow …” she trailed off as she gazed intently at the redhead, willing her to go along with this request.  “I just have to know!” she thought.

Willow furrowed her brows at Buffy’s intense stare.  “Buffy?” she whispered, not understanding what was happening.

Buffy knew this would be a turning point in their relationship, regardless of the outcome.  It would either be a hurdle for them to overcome, or the beginning of something different, and very possibly wonderful.

“I want to kiss you.”

Willow ’s breathing rate rose by half and her eyes dilated.  “But… I thought…”
Buffy interjected, “Thinking and talking in a few minutes, I promise.  Right now feel, don’t think.” 

Willow ’s eyes locked onto Buffy’s lips as she moistened them with the tip of her very red tongue.  She felt her head nodding of it’s own volition, and then she saw those lips get bigger as they approached.  Her eyes closed and she felt those soft moist lips on her own.  She had fantasized about this moment for over a year, and she couldn’t believe it was really happening!  Her brain froze.  All she could do was obey Buffy’s instruction and feel.

Buffy’s own eyes closed as she felt the gentle sensation of soft, soft lips against her own.  She began to move hers slowly against that sweet softness, suckling at Willow’s pouty lower lip, sliding her tongue out and tracing the outline of her upper, and then between them and against her teeth, seeking to enter her mouth.

Willow felt the sensation of Buffy’s warm tongue against and between her lips and sighed in utter contentment.  She opened her mouth to Buffy’s questing tongue, still passive to the experience.  She had never been kissed before, and regardless of how often she had fantasized about it, the reality blew the dream away.

For her part, Buffy compared the experience against those of her past.  Never in her life had a kiss been so relaxed and soft and warm like this.  Angel’s kisses had always been hard- desperate and needy and cool.  His tongue had been demanding, his kisses possessive.  Boyfriends from Hemery had been less experienced but just as demanding and possessive.  Honestly, kissing was always fun, but this was sublime.  Though not aggressive, she was the initiator; she was kissing Willow , not being kissed by her, if that made any sense.  Judging by Willow ’s little whimpers, she was doing a good job of it.

Though unsure of exactly what to do, Willow began to make tentative movements of her tongue against Buffy’s, amazed and delighted by the feel of Buffy’s tongue wrestling gently against her own.  Buffy’s tongue withdrew slowly and Willow chased it into Buffy’s mouth.  She began to hesitantly explore Buffy’s mouth, delighting in the feel and sensation of her teeth and gums, never having experienced anything like this before.

Buffy gave a little moan when Willow began kissing her back.  She withdrew into her own mouth, inviting Willow to follow.  She was obviously inexperienced, but eager.  Still, so soft and gentle in her movements!  Buffy enjoyed the feel of these languid and unhurried kisses; imagining that she could spend hours just dong this.  She unconsciously drew Willow into her lap, her arms wrapping around her sweet, lithe body.

When, several minutes later, Buffy pulled her lips away from her own, Willow was surprised, but not displeased, to find herself in Buffy’s lap, her arms wrapped around the slayer’s neck.  She wanted nothing more than to live in this moment forever, but she was confused and afraid of being hurt.  So she couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Why?”

Buffy knew the time for discussion was inescapable.  She too would have liked nothing better than to continue kissing this gorgeous woman in her arms forever, but they needed to talk first.

“I had to know,” Buffy said with a sigh.

“What?  What did you have to know?” Willow asked.  This kiss, her first, was like a dream come true, and now she was sure the dream was about to come crashing down… And yet, she was still in Buffy’s lap.  She still had Buffy’s arms around her.  She was confused.

Buffy leaned back against the arm of the couch, but didn’t let go of Willow .  It felt too good to have her in her arms.  “I had to know if it would be as good as I imagined,” she said, finally.

Willow was still confused.  All she could say was the very unimaginative and repetitious, “What?”

Closing her eyes, Buffy began her confession, “After I bailed on you this morning; after I worked out some frustration and confusion on those two vamps,” she amended, “I thought about what happened and how I felt about it.”  Opening her eyes and looking into Willow ’s frightened gaze, she explained, “ Willow … I’ve *never* been interested in other girls, that way… this way,” she added, clearly indicating the position they were in.  Before she could protest, Buffy continued, “When I woke up yesterday, and we were all tangled together… It didn’t wig me out at all.  In fact… I liked it.  I didn’t know why, but…”

Willow , remembering that moment, unintentionally spoke, “It was nice.”  She blushed when she realized she had interrupted, but Buffy just smiled.

“It was nice, really nice.  So nice that I really didn’t want it to end.”  Buffy paused, reliving the moment, and the event immediately following, “Then, when I saw you in the shower… touching your…”

“OH MY GOD!” Willow shouted in mortification, wishing she could die right then.  Wishing that the Hellmouth would open up and swallow her.  “I can’t believe you saw me!  I- I’m so embarrass…”

Buffy quickly reassured her, “Shh, don’t.  It was amazing… you were so hot, so sexy… I couldn’t get that image out of my mind all day.  When Xander made that comment about getting a camera… I was embarrassed because I kinda felt the same way!”

Willow was still horrified.  “How long… did you hear me…”

Buffy wondered what could be even more embarrassing, given the way she was acting.  “Did I hear what?”

“ Willow had such a strong subconscious urge to hide that she pulled her hands from around Buffy’s neck and covered her face.  Still she managed to mumble out, “I kinda… moaned your… when I…”

Buffy caught the gist.  “I only stayed for a couple of seconds.  I should have stayed longer, ‘cause it drove me crazy all day wondering who you were thinking about.”  Before Willow could engage in any more self-flagellation, Buffy quickly moved on.  “The point is, I was turned on by seeing you do that.  It wasn’t disgusting or horrifying- it was exciting.”

Willow was taken aback by Buffy’s admission.  “Really?” she asked, disbelieving that anyone, least of all Buffy Summers, would be attracted to her.

Buffy recognized that Willow was fishing for complements, but she was willing to give them.  “Yes, really!  And, when I came in after you were unconscious, and I had my back to you while you were drying off?”

Willow just looked at her, not following her direction.

Buffy ducked her head and said, “I- I was… kindacheckingyououtinthemirror.”

It was said so fast that Willow didn’t catch it.  “What?” she asked, bewildered.

Buffy sighed and repeated, “I was checking you out.  In the mirror.”

Willow was stunned.  “Checking *me* out?” she whispered to herself.

Buffy whined in her pouty voice, “It’s not my fault!  All that wet, sexy flesh; how could I help myself?”

Willow was sure she must be dreaming.  “Y- you think… I’m… S- sexy?” she stuttered.  I don’t understand, Buffy.  What’s going on here?  What is this?”

Buffy smiled at her bewildered best friend, “hopefully girlfriend,” she thought.  It was the first time she had actually used the word, even in her head, but she was finally sure.  After that kiss, well, there was no question of compatibility.  She was totally besotted- mentally, emotionally and physically with the lissom  redhead perched in her lap.  “This is me explaining to you how I finally figured out what I wanted… although we didn’t get to the part where I talked to my mom about it yet.”

Willow ’s mind was once again spinning in circles.  “What do you mean, what you want?”  After a moment the other thing Buffy said hit her and she squeeked, “You talked to your *mom* about this?!  Oh God!  I can never face your mother again, Buffy!”

Addressing the second concern first, Buffy said, “Calm down Willow .  Mom was surprisingly un-wigged by the whole thing.  She actually told me I had to do what would make me happy, and not worry about what anyone else would say.”

Willow goggled at that, “Is she sick?  Did she have a fever?”

Buffy laughed out loud at the seriousness of Willow ’s questioning.  Rather than address her mother’s possible illness, she answered Willow ’s first question.  “What I want… what would make me very happy…”  she gulped in sudden and inexplicable nervousness.  “…is if you would consider…” she trailed off, not sure how exactly to say it. 

Willow stared at her like a deer in the headlights- “She can’t mean… she doesn’t…” her mind locked into a holding pattern, frozen, awaiting the next input before it could begin processing again.

“Would you…” Buffy tried again.  Finally she just asked, “Can I be your girlfriend?”  At the stunned silence that followed, Buffy added, “I love you, Will; and… and I think I’m falling in love with you too.”

Willow was seriously baffled by this turn of events.  She decided that if it was a dream, she was going to enjoy it for as long as she could.  And, if it was reality, well her heart was skipping happily through the tall grass, singing ‘tra la-la la-la’ in pure happiness.  She leaned forward to Buffy and once again began to softly kiss those lips that she had been fantasizing about for so long.

“That feels like a yes!” Buffy screamed exultantly in her head, not wanting to break the kiss to verbalize it.  This was way too much fun to stop anytime soon.

They spent the next several hours until dark making-out on the couch.

The End