The Spaces In Between

There was no one home when I got back from the Magic Box.  It didn’t surprise me though.  These days I often returned to an empty house.  Dawn was usually at Janice’s and Buffy was out either working or patrolling.  So I guess either way, she was working.  It’s not that I mind being alone, sometimes I even long for the solitude.  But lately, with Tara gone and me trying to kick the magicks, I just get lonely a little too quickly.

I went up to my room and lay down on my bed.  I hugged a pillow close to me and tried to take a nap.  It didn’t work though.  I lay there for a long time with my eyes closed, thinking of binary codes and algebraic formulas, anything to put me to sleep. But no, not with my silly willy brain, I ended up wanting to get on my laptop and do homework. I really just wanted to sleep though. The more I slept, the less I had to deal with reality.

I got up and put my Jake Lee Rau cd on repeat. I hadn’t listened to that one in awhile, but it seemed appropriate. I was kind of feeling down in the dumps. I had been for a while. I watched the clock, tracing the red glowing letters until they had no form, no meaning. And still no sleep. I rolled on my back, staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows shift as time passed and the sun went down. I nodded my head methodically to the music and finally relaxation nudged me into sleep.

Her hands are all over me, moving as if through liquid, sliding silky smooth along my bare skin. She’s everywhere at once.  Greedy hands and wet kisses.  Sighs and moans filling this room that has no walls, nor ceiling, just this space made for us.  She’s pressing herself against my wet sex, whispering lusty promises in my ears.  I’m under her, my legs wrapped around her hot body, pulling her into me. She grabs my wrists, pushing my arms up over my head and holding me there.

I’m literally aching to touch her, but she holds me down, not letting me.  I’m squirming, begging for release.  She pays no attention; instead she sucks greedily at my nipples, scraping her teeth over them, practically biting them. It’s all almost too much for me to bear.  Quiet pleasure moans stretch into cries and pleas. I feel my juices bubble out of me as an almost painful ache tears through me. I’m desperately trying to grind my slick pussy against her but again she won’t let me.  I’m a jumble of aching, needy knots on the verge of ripping apart and I just can’t stand it anymore.

“ Tara Please!” I yell, straining against her.

She lifts her head from my breast and looks at me.  Shadows cross her face and I only see the devilish grin dancing on her lips.

“You want it baby?” she teases.

“God yes!” I whimper, pleading with my eyes, my body.

I buck my hips against her as if proving it.

“What do you want me to do?” she asks innocently licking her lips, as if she doesn’t realize that my wetness is practically splashing against her thighs and belly as I try to get myself off.

“Fuck me!” I yelp.

She’s pulling away from me, retracting from my throbbing body, denying me privilege. NO! She can’t do this to me! She…

She’s sliding her fingers between my swollen slick lips, and before I can even react she’s deep inside me and I’m arching my body against her, meeting her furious thrusts, crying out affirmations and pleas.  Goddess yes! She’s filling me with herself, her hand and wrist drenched in my thick liquid. I’m squeezing and pulling her into me deeper and wider with my arms and legs, my cunt wanting to devour her wholly.  She gives herself to me, leaning closer, her body heavy on mine, keeping me tangled and tied to her. She’s moaning almost as loud as I’m crying and she’s rubbing her thumb on my clit, almost viciously, her pinky sliding in and out of my asshole and I’m full and round with orgasmic waves pulsing through every cell of my shaking body and still she thrusts her hand into me, fucking me like I asked, prolonging the orgasm, creating new ones. I’m rising higher and higher, crashing over the edge in ecstasy and slowly falling back only to be lifted again, fucked raw with untapped passion by my lover, her hand, her body, her moans and sweat.

Suddenly I’m pushing her from me, ignoring another oncoming orgasm in favor of hers.

“Wha-?” She starts, confused.

“I want to taste you!”

She’s grinning at me as she untangles herself from my legs and pulls herself further up my body, placing her full, rich lips on mine, the sweet taste of berries filling my mouth as our tongues meet. Her mouth isn’t the only thing I want to taste, to explore with my tongue, and she knows it.

I’m hungry for that strong musky elixir that intoxicates me every time I bury my head in her soft curls, and before I realize it, she’s turning around, her hands on my thighs, and that oh so sweet pussy hovering mere inches from my face.  Her lips are so swollen with desire and shiny thick wetness that I think I’m going to come again before I even get started.

“Mmmm Tara …” I moan before pulling her down onto my face, the first slight touch sending her hips into a jerk and a loud moan from around a bitten lip.

I’m opening her with my tongue, pulling back the slick silk curtains of her sex and tasting that pungent earthiness I so love.  Almost immediately she begins to slowly rotate her hips against my exploring tongue. I’m mad with hunger, lapping up her cocktail as if it’s the source of all my life being. My face is buried in her hot sex and, covered with her sticky goodness, I’m thrashing my tongue over her engorged nub sending her moans into loud “Gods” and “Yesses.”  I’m sucking her and fucking her with my tongue, my teeth, and my lips, and she’s spreading herself wider for me, begging me not to stop, to never stop as she comes against my face, riding it.  And I’m not stopping; I’ll never stop now that I have her filling my cup with her cream.

I’m holding her hips tightly with my hands, holding her to me as I continue to work my tongue and mouth over her throbbing clit even as waves from her orgasm still crash though her.  She’s moaning my name, calling to me, and then I’m feeling her hands on me again, parting my lips and dipping her fingers into my own hot liquids. We’re matching each other’s rhythm of circling fingers and swirling firm tongue until we’re both bucking with pleasure and release. We’re floating. Nothing has substance or texture. There is only us coming together, arriving and wanting to go back only to come again, full and fat with completeness.

Again we untangle, flopping back into a soft familiar embrace, two sweaty bodies melting against each other with the pungent smell of each other’s sex heavy in the air.  We kiss hungrily, aware that we both taste her arousal and she giggles wiping her stickiness off my face.  I close my eyes, happy for this one moment of gentle peace as we continue to kiss deeply, savoring it.

I break away; wanting to look at her, look in her eyes, to tell her how much I love…

“Buffy???!”

What the hell??  I’m flailing, sitting bolt upright, practically flinging her off of me. What in the mighty hell is going on?

Buffy’s just grinning at me though, saying nothing.  Curling up next to me, she lays her head in my lap, her fingers resting gently on my inner thigh, almost brushing against my still pulsating wet center.

All I can do is stare, my mouth a wide gaping hole of “what the fuck-?”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

“What the frilly heck?” I said out loud to nobody.

Awareness washed over me, as the music still playing became clearer and the outline of my furniture and pictures on the walls took form in the darkness.  I ran a ragged hand through my damp hair and wiped the sweat from my forehead.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand; not believing it was already after nine. I had definitely gotten in my much-needed nap, but what a dream that was. I wasn’t surprised though.  Ever since Tara left me, I’d been having a lot of “those kinds” of dreams. I thought I had gotten over the Buffy dreams in high school though.  Things were seriously screwed.  Tara was gone, I was addicted to magic, Buffy and I were hardly talking, and now the dreams.  Some weren’t so sexual, not like that one had been. But most of the time I was with either Tara or Buffy, then all of a sudden I would realize I was with the other. I was confused, frustrated, and horny as hell.  I was also extremely wet.  I could feel the hot fluid between my legs seeping out between my lips, soaking my yellow panties, not to mention the insistent throbbing.

I rolled my eyes, looking around the room. This was a new routine for me. Dreaming of sex with Tara and Buffy, waking up horny, and lots of manual stimulation.  This was what I was reduced to almost every day.  How fun for me.

I shrugged, thinking it better to just get on with it rather than try to ignore the aching and only wind up doing it later when I was that more frustrated.  I pushed my jeans and panties off, letting them drop on the floor. I didn’t bother with my shirt or bra. I knew it wouldn’t take long to satisfy myself on account of the pounding mass of muscle between my legs. Heck, my hips were nearly humping the air of their own volition.

I traced the same well-worn path I was accustomed to since first discovering myself, and how to make my body tremble with bright waves of sweet delight.  Around and around my fingers went, sometimes a little lower, sometimes more to the left, always the same route to the very much-needed destination. I drew my legs up, opening myself wider as my sex tensed with the oncoming ripples, sending a hot flood up into my stomach and down my legs.

I bucked against my hand, squeezing my legs together only momentarily as the initial electricity shot through me. Then I was at it again, my hand and fingers madly thrashing in the folds of my insatiate and desperate mound.  I continued in this fashion 2, 3, 4 more times. I couldn’t stop, could only keep my hand against my aching need, trying to satiate the hunger that burned there until the only thing that stopped me was my cramping hand.

“Geeze Rosenberg, lose it much?” I whispered, rolling off the bed.

I turned off the cd and grabbed my sweatpants. I heard movement across the hall and decided it would probably be best to just head for the shower and get started on some work.

Showered and feeling a bit more relaxed, I made my way downstairs.  I saw Buffy sitting at the counter upon entering the kitchen.

“Hey Buffy.”

“Hmm, hey Will…” she said absently, her eyes fixed on some papers in front of her.

I made a gesture of annoyance with my hand, saying “Of course…”

“Huh?” she asked glancing at me.

“Nothing.”

“Oh, thought you said something.” She said staring back at the paper.

“Like it would matter…” I mumbled.

“What?” She asked her attention now focused on me.

“Nothing…” I said before turning around and looking in the fridge for a bottle of water.

“Will…” she started. “Are you… ok?”

“Right as rain.” I said sarcastically, bringing the bottle to my mouth. “Couldn’t be better.” I said in a lower voice before heading for the living room.

She didn’t follow me into the living room, for which I was grateful. At least, I was at first.  Then I was annoyed again. Then ashamed at how I acted in the kitchen.  It was as if we were feeding off of each other somehow.  She didn’t notice me so I got pissed. Then she would notice me and I’d act like nothing was wrong, instead, ignoring her.  It wasn’t working.  I was just as much a cause of the tension between us as she was.  Hell, if it hadn’t been for me ripping her from heaven, or whatever peaceful state she was in… but I don’t like to think about that.

What I really wanted to do was to just tell her how I really felt about her. How I’d felt since the first day I met her.  Then I would at least be relieved to have gotten that off my chest when she finally decided to never talk to me instead of us dancing circles around each other.  Nothing was like it used to be.  Everything had changed and it wasn’t fair and I hated it.  Hated myself most of the time.  I was the reason Buffy was back and miserable.  I was the one who got addicted to the magicks and made Tara leave.  I hurt Dawn.  Everything was my fault, and I just didn’t know what to do about it.  I didn’t know how to make anything better.

“Hey, Will?”

I turned around to face Buffy, becoming aware that I had been standing in the center of the room with my bottled water for who knows how long, thinking.

“Yeah?”

“Are you ok?” She asked, the concern showing on her face.

Buffy was really concerned?

I didn’t say anything right away.  To be honest, I wanted to blurt everything out. Really tell her what was up and why I was acting the way I was and how I felt about how she was acting too.  But I didn’t want to hurt her.  I didn’t want to make it worse than it already was, which was pretty bad, not to mention all my fault.

Instead I did a half shrug and a half nod before flopping on the couch and picking up the remote.  I had every intention of coming down here to do some work on my laptop, but it didn’t look like I was going to be able to.

“Will…” Buffy started, taking a gentle seat beside me. “Obviously something’s wrong.  You know you can talk to me right?”

HA! What a laugh I thought that was.  Talk to her?  Queen of the “I don’t talk to my friends anymore, let alone acknowledge them half the time” wanted me to talk to her.

I wanted to, very badly.  But I was so scared of what the whole thing would turn into.  How much do I tell her? How far would I go?

I didn’t say anything, opting instead to look at my feet, as if something interesting had sprout on the ground and grown up around them.  We were both quiet for a while and although she was right next to me on the couch, and I could see her out of the corner of my eye, I could feel her more than anything. There was something about her that had made me accustomed to her scent, her texture, and the sounds she made.  I could sense her presence.

I was about to open my mouth to say something, anything to have this moment over with before I started to lose it.  I really felt like I was going to do something drastic, like yell, or cry, or kiss her. But I didn’t get a chance because she put her hand on my knee causing me to jump a foot off the couch before saying,

“ Willow , I… I guess I’m really the one who needs to talk…” She was really nervous. “We really need to talk.”

I just looked at her with this stupid stunned expression on my face.  I couldn’t believe she actually wanted to talk, to me.  She hadn’t wanted to talk to me since we brought her back, especially like we used to.  How best friends are supposed to.

“Uh… w-what’s wrong Buffy?”

“I know we haven’t, we haven’t exactly talked lately, and… um…” She didn’t go on, just looked away, thinking of what to say.

“Buffy… I-I probably should…” I started, lifting myself off the couch.

“Wait…” She argued, putting her hand on my knee.

I looked at her apprehensively.

“Uh, oh… um, ok.”

I could tell she was really struggling with whatever it was that she needed to tell me.  My resolve to get out of this situation, to run once again, faded as I saw the fear build behind her eyes as she began to speak.

“I-I um,” She closed her eyes momentarily, and took a deep breath. “This is really hard for me, Will.”

I turned to her, placed my hand tentatively on her arm, trying to reassure her.

“Buffy, what is it?”

After a few moments she said, “Spike. He can hurt me.”

“Huh?”

“He can hurt me…”

“H-his chip doesn’t work?” I asked shocked and dropped my bottled water. “Oh crap!”

I bent down and grabbed my water before too much could spill on the floor. I looked back at Buffy, her head down in her hands.

“When did this happen?”

“No, Will, uh, um…”

She looked up and me and then quickly away.

“His chip still works.  He can only hurt me.”

“What?!  Buffy… How? When? I mean, uh, well how did? how do…?

“I, I asked Tara to check the spell, to make sure I came back right. She said she couldn’t find anything wrong. But I just don’t understand why I let him do those things to me. I keep saying it’s nothing and then I go back and I… I can’t believe I’m sleeping with Spike!”

She put her face in her hands after telling me all this, and I thought she was going to cry, but I think she just didn’t want to see the look that was plastered across my face. I was horrified. Utterly shocked.

“You? and Spike? Y-you… you’re… sleeping? Not like sleeping… but, naked kind of…?  Oh…”

“Will…” But she said no more, just kept her hands in front of her face, shielding herself from me.

I felt so bad for her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold and tell her it was ok, that I was still her friend and she’d never have to worry about me not being there. That, although I hadn’t been the most reliable person lately and had a problem with the magicks, I was still her friend, her best friend and would always be there for her.  I didn’t do any of that though.

First came the horrible shock that Buffy would sleep with that evil, soulless thing that had tried to kill all of us more than once, who would still try, if it weren’t for that chippy in his head. Then the anger came in floods and waves, literally knocking me off my butt.

“What?!”

I stood up and whirled around, glaring at her.

“You’re sleeping with… no, no… that’s such not a good term for what you too must be doing…” I spat at her.

She looked up shocked and dismayed that I would act this way.  I felt terrible but still the words came out.

“How could you?!  Spike??  H-he’s tried to kill you, kill me! A-and Xander and everyone else! He talks about eating us all the time… a-and if it weren’t for that damn chip in his head he probably would!  How in the hell could you Buff? Aargh! Ohh God…”

“Willow…” She said quietly, the tears streaming now.

“I just don’t understand…”

“Please, Will… stop…” She stood up, looking at me weakly.

I realized how hurt she was, how weak and shaky she seemed standing there looking at me, pleading for me to stop with her eyes.  I didn’t think I’d ever seen her looking so vulnerable before.

“I… I just wanted to… feel, something… Since I got… back… I just haven’t…”

“I know…” I bit back bitterly, recalling all the times I felt invisible around her since bringing her back. “It’s all my fault…”

“No… no Will, please…”

“Oh please, Buffy… it was me who brought you back… brought you back from heaven… you don’t want to be here. And you hardly acknowledge me when I’m around…”

“No… Will… that’s not it at all…”

“Oh no? You’re banging Spike so you can feel something, Buffy! You don’t talk to any of us!  Don’t want us around! We used to do everything together, and we all still need each other and I-I’ve been dealing with all this… and now you… and I don’t know what to do… a-and… and it’s all so… everything’s changed! You were happy and peaceful a-and I… I made you miserable again!”

“ Willow , that’s not true… I just…”

“Don’t you realize I love you, Buffy?!” I sputtered out and immediately I was sorry for saying it.

There was an awkward silence between us as she eyed me closely. We had both said I love you to each other plenty of times, but this time I meant it differently, and I was scared that she knew that.

She seemed to chew on what I had said, as if tasting the words before deciding if she liked the meaning.

“I… I love you too Will. You know that. You’re my best friend… and that will never change…”

But I didn’t give her time to finish.

“It already has…” I said firmly, running a hand through my hair, desperate to find the right words.

“What…? No, no Will…”

“Things are different Buffy.  For both of us.”

“I… Willow…” She stepped towards me, the first movement either of us had made since facing off against each other.

“I don’t want it to be Buffy. But it is.”

“I know you’re upset about Spike, but…”

“Spike!” I yelled, throwing up my arms.  “You want to feel Buffy?  You really want to feel something?  Then why are you fucking a dead man?!” I was fuming.

She flinched at my choice of words.

“You don’t even realize what’s right in front of you. What you could have, what you always could’ve had.”

I hung my head slightly, shaking it in my own disbelief.

“What?” She asked, not understanding.

“I know you don’t feel it.  But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“What? Will, I’m not… make what hurt any less?”

She touched my arm in concern. I was so upset that I was practically digging my nails into the palms of my hands.   I looked at her, our eyes meeting for the first time in what seemed like forever.

“That… that you’d rather… you’d rather be with Spike… than me.”

Confusion, followed by a wave of realization flooded her face.  Her eyes drifted from mine to somewhere on the wall behind me. Her mouth formed a small “O” but no sound came out.

Mentally I smacked myself for even saying anything.  I thought things had changed before. We were definitely in for some changes after my little revelation.

“Uh, wha.. uh… Will… um…”

“I… I… Uh… I can’t… I can’t do this…” I said finally turning from her and fleeing to my room.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

“That… that you’d rather… you’d rather be with Spike… than me.”

What? I was so confused. I just looked at her, tried looking in her eyes to gain some sort of understanding.  She was standing in front of me, fuming, clenching her fists and I felt like such the dummy. I had no idea what she was talking about. I watched as the horror flooded her face. She wanted to back-peddle, take her words and eat them, but it was too late.  The words took form, breathed air, and then practically knocked me on my ass as if a sledgehammer was hitting me.

Full out realization.  I think my eyes might have gotten wider, and I tried to speak, but I never heard sound come out. I couldn’t look at her, simply letting my eyes drift across her face to the wall behind her. There was this eerie silence, which, I of course, broke with the best of the English language.

“Uh, wha.. uh… Will… um…”

“I… I… Uh… I can’t… I can’t do this…” She replied before bolting out of the room.

I heard her pound up the stairs and slam her bedroom door.

I couldn’t say anything. I was totally stunned.  I must have been glued to the floor too because I just stood there, staring in front of me where Willow ’s face used to be.  I wasn’t focusing on anything in particular, I couldn’t because I was frozen with fear and realization that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life… er… lives, whatever.  No wait.  Make that, two mistakes.  I slept with Spike. Was technically, still sleeping with Spike.  And Willow…

“ Willow wait!” I screamed, bolting after her.

I was about to round the corner, ready to take the stairs two at a time when the doorbell rang. Screech. Blinding halt, and yet another room for a mistake. Do I ignore the door and run after Willow, forcing her bedroom door down if need be so that we could talk, I could beg for forgiveness, and then declare my undying love and devotion to her? Or, do I answer the door like a moron?

“Crap!” I said out loud, looking towards the door.

I figured, with my luck, it would be important. I glanced back up the stairs once more before cursing under my breath and opening our heavy front door. Of course, answering the door like a moron is so much better.  A moron with mystical superhuman powers whose been in love with her best friend for years, a best friend who happens to be gay, who happens to feel the same way it seems, and whose ex-girlfriend was standing on my porch. Ah, my life… never a dull moment.

“Uh… hey… there... Tara ” I stammered, trying to hide the shock.

Any other time I wouldn’t have been shocked at all. Tara drops by every now and then, especially to see Dawn. But at that particular time she was definitely a shock to see.

“Hey Buffy… uh…uh”

“Oh! Come on in.” I invited, making a welcoming gesture with my arm, which was way more welcoming than I ever intended.

I decided that sometime in the near future, I really needed to work on my reflexes. Not moving or speaking when I should and doing things like welcoming Tara on board for the show were not my best moves of late.

“Oh, w-well, uh… I-I just w-wanted to give you this.”

She held out a Cd that I didn’t even recognize. I raised my eyebrow, shifting my gaze from the Cd to her.

“uh, um… i-it was with my cds…” She had this quirky little half grin on her face. “Uh… w-well I borrowed it when you w-w-were…”

Oh. I nodded, understanding that she meant when I was dead.  When I was dead… and other tales of the Slayer.  That could be a good book someday.

I reached for the Cd and said, “Oh, you didn’t have to. I mean, I didn’t realize…”

I left this last word dangling in mid-air as I noticed her fingers slide over mine. It was a gentle touch that could convey so much. At first I thought it was just an accident, but the look on her face told me differently. Maybe it was just a friendly reassurance, especially since she knew about Spike. Or, or maybe it was… My eyes shot back up to Tara ’s. Was she flirting with me?

“Thanks.” I said finally taking the Cd from her.

“W-welcome.” She said softly.

We stood there for a few silent moments before I attempted to up my status even further as a moron.

“Well, did you wanna…?” I made another gesture for her to come inside.  Mentally I was smacking myself silly, preferably with a rubber fish, cursing the whole time. All I wanted to do was get to Willow and straighten everything out with her.

“Oh! Oh no… I was just on my way… to a friends house…”

She looked behind her and I followed her gaze to a red Honda Civic with what looked like two girls in the front seat.

“Oh, well… ok.” I said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.

“Hey Buffy?”

I glanced at her, mentally staking myself for even opening the door in the first place.

“Yeah?”

“Um… are you… ok?”

“Huh? Uh! I mean, uh, yeah… yeah sure. Why?

“Oh w-well, I just meant… with the whole Spike thing.”

“Oh… that. Um, yeah, well ya know… dealing.”

She gave me a reassuring smile before leaning closer and said, “Call me… i-if you want to… uh, need to… talk…”

I nodded, genuinely smiling at her, “Thanks Tara.”

I stood with my back against the door, my gaze stretching up the length of the stairwell.  I wasn’t as gung ho about leaping up those stairs to Willow as I was before. I was terrified. Not only that, but I was a little stunned at Tara ’s actions. Or maybe lack there of. I didn’t want to let myself believe that she had come on to me, even in the subtlest way.  I couldn’t help believe however, given the look in her eye, and of course, my own experience in the flirt department, that that was exactly what she had done.

I felt beads of sweat form on my brow, my upper lip, and the back of my neck.  All of a sudden my hands were clammy. I fanned myself with the Cd case Tara had just given me.  My stomach was turning itself into all sorts of neat knots and the saliva in my mouth had mysteriously evaporated.  I tried to put off any thoughts of Tara out of my head, especially the ones involving me and Willow . I had had too many nights of hearing them go at it, while alone, I wished I could be apart of the fun. All thoughts must focus on Willow .

There was nothing I didn’t want more than to be with Willow .  I would do any amount of begging she demanded in order for her to forgive me.  Forgive me for everything. Not just sleeping with Spike, although, I have to admit, that is definitely the biggie.  But also for everything she accused me of earlier, because she was right, I hardly acknowledged her, any of them for that matter.  I could never hate my friends. Never ever hate Willow , no matter what.

But some days, some days I couldn’t stand to be around them, couldn’t stand to be here, not while knowing what I was missing.  Other days though, most days, even if I didn’t know how to tell them, I was getting much better at being back.  After all, I was with Dawn, and I knew she needed me.  And Willow. Always Willow .  I’ve died twice, and both times, my two best friends have brought me back.  When I was dead… and other tales of the Slayer indeed.

I finally started to make my way up the stairs. Slowly though, each step like a tiny mountain.  The closer I got to the landing, the more my stomach flopped, the more my hands sweated, and the more my mind screamed ohgodohgodohgod.  I could hear music throbbing from within Willow ’s room. She had it turned up so loud I could feel the vibrations through the floor as I stepped into the upstairs hallway.  I couldn’t make out the song until I got to her door. I just stood there, listening for a moment.

It’s been awhile
since I could say that I wasn’t addicted  and
it’s been awhile
since I could say I love myself as well
it’s been awhile
since I’ve gone and fucked things up
just like I always do
and it’s been awhile
but all that shit seems to disappear
when I’m with you
but everything  I can’t remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
the consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again…
why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I knocked on her door a few times, waiting patiently for her to respond.  I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.  Hoped yes, but I still knew that what had happened downstairs was a major ripple in our already strained friendship. I silently cursed myself for being such a putz to the one person in the whole world I definitely did not need to mess things up with.

I tried knocking again.

“ Willow ?” I tried, leaning into the door, feeling the vibration of the treble and bass against my hands. “Will?!” I said louder.

I don’t know if she couldn’t hear me over the music or if she was just ignoring me.  I’d like to pick option number one, but it’s probably a better bet for two.

“Hey Will!” I knocked again, way harder this time.

I could break the door down easily if I wanted to, but that was no way in my future plans.

“Come on Will, we need to talk!” I continued to shout over the music.

I knew the song was going to end soon, and I hoped she’d relent during the short silence that would follow.

“ Willow !” I shouted again just as the song went off.

Finally, sweet silence, even if only for a few short seconds. “Please Will! Don’t shut me out!”

“Go away Buff-.” She flatly began, and then the blare of another song swept up between us, cutting her off, and making it clear to me that I needed to give up the fight, at least for now.

I sighed heavily and said, “Ok Will,” as I slid my fingers across the cool material of her door, before I moved on down to my room.

I threw the Cd Tara had given back to me on my bed and grabbed my jacket.  I should have been out on patrol already and I figured this would give Willow some time to calm down and maybe decide to talk to me again.  Dawn had already asked me if she could go to a movie with some of her friends and I relented of course. And why shouldn’t I? I’m never here anyway.

It was dark, slightly breezy, and I was in a cemetery looking for something to kill.  Destruction girl, yup that’s me.  I didn’t want to spend a lot of time out here though.  Stake a couple of vamps, get a little dirty, and then head back to the house to have that little heart to heart with Will that would smooth out the creases between us and heal all wounds.

But who was I kidding?  I knew things were different between us. Different since I came back, was brought back.  Different since they all found out where I really was.  Different now that I was sleeping with Spike. Or, no. I guess maybe sleeping with Spike was just a byproduct of the different-ness.  And now Willow knew and she hated me and probably wouldn’t ever speak to me again and therefore, I would once again lose the opportunity to finally be with her. Just like I did when Oz left because I was too rapt up in Riley and still trying to kill all those naughty feelings I had, er… have for her. Can we say, sigh.

I slapped my trusty stake against my open palm, whistling a sort of come and get it tune.

“Hello… vampires? Doesn’t anyone want to suck my neck tonight? Hellooo?”

I was standing in the middle of the cemetery, stake in hand, just waiting for a good fight when I heard him behind me. Oh great, just what I needed.

“Hello Slayer.”

I didn’t even bother turning around.

“Hey Spike.” I responded, putting particular emphasis on his name.

He came up behind me, his face close to my neck and his arms going around my waist. I wanted to move, I wanted to turn around and glare at him for assuming he was welcome to me, for assuming I would just open my legs and let him stick me anywhere he wanted. I wanted to put my hand up in his face and blow him off. Not, like blow him…

None of this I did though. I simply stood, motionless, letting him slide his cool hands over my jeaned butt and my cottoned stomach. He nuzzled my neck, whispering his seedy needs into my ear. He proclaimed he knew what I wanted, what I needed.  He assumed he was the only one who could give it to me.

His fingers whispered over my breasts, catching my nipples, disappearing again up my neck, down my thigh. I felt his tongue on my earlobe, his stiff pole nudging my backside. I felt that familiar want to abandon myself and let him have me start to flood my senses.

All I could do was stand still though.  I wanted to flee, to be done with him for good. And still, I stood frozen in place, that shameful arousal crawling up between my legs.  I found myself caught between a sick and twisted passion, a need to feel something that I thought only he could understand. Caught between that and Willow ’s words.

“You really want to feel something?” She had shouted. “Then why are you fucking a dead man?!”

Her words hurt. Repulsed, disbelieving, angry, and hurtful words, yes, but the truth.  A truth that slaps you hard in the face and wakes you up from a self-induced nightmare you had convinced yourself was salvation. Fucking a dead man.

I heard Willow ’s voice like a whisper in my ear.

“That you’d rather be with Spike… than me.” She

had told me.

That I’d rather be with Spike?  Never. Never rather be.

But yet, here I was, with Spike.

“Oh! Spike, no… get off me!” I finally shouted, reacting, breaking away from his embrace.

I took several steps before turning away from him.

“Oh, what now Slayer? Is that anyway to treat your-“

“Nothing, Spike.” I cut him off. “You’re my nothing.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, choosing instead to measure me up. He probably thought I was just playing with.

Smirking, he said “So, little miss Buffy wants to play tonight eh?”

He took a step toward me, spreading his arms out wide.

“Ok then. What game are we playing tonight luv?”

Oh how well I knew him.

“No more games Spike. I’m putting an end to this freak show.”

“Say what?”

“You heard me, it’s over.  It was a mistake and I don’t plan on repeating it again.”

“Buffy…” he started with an almost whine, “You need me…”

“No Spike…”

“Yes, you do.” He said stepping closer to me. “I make you feel… down here…” he finished, grabbing the waistband of my jeans and tugging them toward him.

“Ugh… Spike, get off.”

I pushed him away and glared at him. He looked at me, confusion and hurt battling for territory over his slightly pale features.

“Buffy,” he whined, “I’m in love with you.”

All I could think was how if I had a normal life I would not have to experience so many very weird and disturbing things.

“You’re in love with pain. Admit it. You like me… like being with me because you enjoy getting beat down.”

“Aww, come on now, that’s just the fun part.”

I rolled my eyes at him but he continued.

“What we have is real Buffy, it’s fire and passion, and… and I love you…”

“I know you think you do.”

“I do… you make me… you make me feel like a man.”

I just shot him a look.  I had heard all this before, but yet, here we were again, having the same old conversation and I was so tired of it.

“You’re a thing, Spike. An evil, disgusting thing.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before luv…er”

“I was blind and now I see…” I said more to myself than him.

He grabbed me. Hard around the waist, digging his hands into me, and attempted to pull me into a kiss. I tried to push him off, tried to turn my head away from his kiss, his seeking tongue.

“Come on Buffy, you know you want it.”

I struggled against him, banging his shoulders and arms with my fists.

“Ugh… No! Spike, ugh, get OFF!”  I screamed bringing my knee up into his groin.

He released me immediately and fell to his knees, holding himself. I gave him a swift kick to the chest, toppling him, just for good measure.

“You… don’t… ever… touch me… again…” I panted, leaning over his groaning form, my forgotten stake back in my hand. “If you try… to… to… if you don’t leave me alone… if you don’t… I promise I will stake you…”

He looked up then, his grimace turning to a smirk.

“And this time… I mean it.”

“You’ll be back slayer.” He said softly, bringing himself up onto his knees, one hand still holding his bruised balls.

“Not likely, Spike.” I said as I walked away from him, confident that I really would stake him this time if he came after me.

A good Spike staking was long overdue.

I walked out of the cemetery in the direction of my house, in the direction of Willow .

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

There was an awkward silence around us as we stood there, the moths flying around and bouncing off of the porch light.  I wasn’t sure how she’d respond to my actions, but I couldn’t resist.

“Well, did you wanna…?” She made another gesture for me to come in, but I had other plans.

“Oh! Oh no… I was just on my way… to a friends house…”

“Oh, well… ok.” she said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.

“Hey Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“Um… are you… ok?”

“Huh? Uh! I mean, uh, yeah… yeah sure. Why?

“Oh w-well, I just meant… with the whole Spike thing.”

I gave her a sympathetic look.  I really was concerned about how the situation with Spike was going.  I knew she was struggling with it.

“Oh… that. Um, yeah, well ya know… dealing.”

I gave her what I thought might be a reassuring smile before leaning closer to her and saying,

“Call me… i-if you want to… uh, need to… talk…”

I meant it, but in so many other ways too.  I wished I could just be bold with her, be bold with all of them.  I was so damn shy though; I couldn’t help it.  There are all these thoughts floating around in my head and then I open my mouth and I spit and sputter until I sound like an idiot, and then I just can’t say anything.

“Thanks Tara .” Buffy said, giving me a wide smile before closing the door.

I stood on the porch a moment, trying to decide whether or not to knock again and this time take Buffy up on that offer to come inside.  I sighed and walked back to the car where my two newly acquired friends from the glbt group on campus, Casey and Claire, were waiting for me.

I got in the back seat of the car and leaned forward, resting my head on Claire’s shoulder where I savored the sweet smell of her apple blossom shampoo.

“Was that her?” She asked, turning her head to look at me.

“Yeah.”

“You’re right,” Started Casey, “She’s hot.”

I smiled shyly.  Casey and Claire were definitely not shy like me, which I liked.  They were bold with their statements and didn’t care what people thought of them, as I often did.

“Yeah, I can really see it…” Claire started, “I’d do her.” She smiled back and me and winked.

“W-well, unfortunately, I-I still don’t think she goes for girls.”

“Well have you asked?” Casey eyed me in the rearview after pulling out into the street.

“No… of course not.”

“So how are you going to know?”

“Yeah Tar… I told you, you just have to be bold sometimes.”

Agreed Claire.  She was holding a slushie in her hands and started sucking on the straw, bringing the red liquid into her mouth.

“I-I… you guys know I can’t…”

“Well maybe you should ask Willow about it.” offered Casey, raising an eyebrow at me in the rearview.

My mouth fell open. Was she serious?  She didn’t honestly believe that I’d ever get up the nerve to ask Willow . She’d flip. She’d be hurt and angry and probably throw me out, or throw something at me.  I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore, but I still wanted to be friends, eventually.  Besides, I had gotten to know Buffy these last two years and I was pretty sure there were never any girls in her past, or going to be any in the near future.

Not only that, but I was pretty sure if Willow did know different, that she would have mentioned it to me at some point.  Plus, there’s the whole Buffy freaking out when Will told her about us thing.  Some of that was Spike playing them off each other, but Will did have serious concerns about it. No, I was almost definite that Buffy was permanently in guyville and would not be heading my way anytime soon.  Hell, she probably wouldn’t give me the time of day even if she did bat for both sides.

“I don’t think so…” I sat back and crossed my arms.

“But you want her, don’t you sweetie?” asked Claire.

She had turned to face me, putting her hand on my knee.

I couldn’t meet her eyes.

“Uh… w-well…” I started, but was reduced to simply nodding.

“Maybe we should just make it happen.”

Claire and I just looked at Casey as if she’d grown another head.

“Huh?”

“Well… I mean come on.  You wouldn’t have to do a love spell or anything, just like…”

“No!” I shouted, sitting up, my head right beside Casey’s. “There is no way. I told you about all the crap I had to put up with w-when I was with W-willow and I won’t use magicks on Buffy.”

Casey looked hurt and a bit shocked that I had been so vehement. Neither of them had really seen me mad.  That was the only time I seemed to be able to throw off my shy demeanor.

“Sorry Tara … I just thought…” Casey shook her head. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“Let’s just leave it alone guys.” I told them, leaning back again.

“Listen Tara, Casey isn’t very smart sometimes-“

“Hey!” shouted Casey, offended.

Claire chuckled and patted Casey on the shoulder.

“But she means well… don’tcha?”

“Bite me…” growled Casey, trying to hide a smile from creeping around the corners of her mouth.

“I-I know…” I said smiling. “But I can’t use magick like that…”

“Well, maybe you don’t have to use magick.”

I just looked at her questioningly.  I knew she might be developing some sort of a plan. She smiled, winked, and turned back around to face front.  I wondered what she could possibly mean.  I did want Buffy. Badly, in fact.  Part of the reason I left Willow was because of my increasing feelings for Buffy after we brought her back.  I was lusting after her in ways that made me blush, and on more than one occasion I caught myself openly watching her, my eyes roaming over those strong smooth legs, her chest rising and falling, her lips moving as she spoke.  Living in the same house with my girlfriend, who I cared for immensely, still do, and lusting after her best friend, who’s house it was we were actually living in… the whole situation did not make for anything of the good.

I lay my head on the headrest and looked out the window, knowing the ride to Casey’s, where we had planned on hanging out for the night, would be awhile since she didn’t live in Sunnydale. Claire popped in a Bjork Cd and turned up the volume. Good choice, I loved this cd.

“Ooh… gotta listen to my fave first.” stated Casey, hitting the seek button for the proper track.

“Ooh yeah!” Agreed Claire, “this song makes me horny!” She laughed and looked back at me, winking as the song began.

I grinned back before closing my eyes and grooving to the tunes.

I wish I’d only look
a-and didn’t have to touch
I wish I’d only smell this
a-and didn’t have to taste
how can I ignore
this is sex without touching
I’m going to explore
I’m only into this to
enjoy… enjoy… ohh… enjoy… enjoy…

The song made me think of my latest fantasy with Buffy. Not so much the lyrics, but the beat.  The drums, rhythm, almost like having sex, when I got into it, my heart would start to pound just a bit harder, by breath would quicken.  This was one of the Cds Willow and I would listen to during our lovemaking sessions that often stretched out the entire night.  I have to admit, when it came to sex, Willow and I sure connected.  It was Buffy I often thought of these days though. Buffy, naked in my arms, under me, on top of me, Buffy’s golden locks, tanned skin, Buffy, her body stretched out in front of me, against the wall, Buffy…

standing in front of me, moving slowly, swaying her hips to a silent tune, her arms stretching towards me, inviting me, welcoming me…

I go to her, shyly, as always, my feet deep in wet grass and I realize we’re outside at dawn, the sun just under the horizon, throwing light into the deep blue of the night sky. Her arms are warm, soft, and there’s the sweet smell of vanilla and spices and something else, something Buffy… I find myself sliding my hands down her sides; our faces close, sharing the air we breathe. Our lips touch gently, break away and go back for another swift brush of softness before breaking away yet again. She presses her cheek against mine as our hands meet and we entwine our fingers.

We stand like this for a few moments, neither of us speaking, or moving, just close. Then, all of a sudden I feel her break away and I fear I’ve lost her until she slides her hands up the sides of my neck, her fingers tight under my ear, and my face close to her.  She assaults my lips then, tasting them, opening them with her tongue before exploring my mouth.  I open willingly to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and feeling my way up her back. We kiss deeply, passionately, tasting each other. Cherries and mango and mint combine to make the most luscious taste between us and I feel my knees go weak with want.

We fall to our knees, groping, clinging, kissing and sucking, melding into each other. Distantly I hear birds, feel the sun begin to warm the ground while our burning bodies lay out on the grass, clothes melting away to tingling hot flesh.  Fingers on rosy erect nipples, grazing stomachs and thighs. Mouths and tongues exploring breasts, ears, and necks, searching and finding and searching again.

Her moans fill my ears, soft at first, then throaty, urging, wanting, demanding and surrounding as I descend the length of her body. The scent of her wet sex invading my nostrils, sending ripples of need to my own throbbing center.  Her thigh is a sheet of muscle, yet soft, smooth and I lay my cheek against the inner most part, inhaling deeply as I eye the glistening drops of her juice clinging to soft her soft curls.

“I want you so bad Tara.” she tells me, wrapping her fingers in my hair as I bring my face, my mouth, my tongue closer to those shiny wet curls, those swollen lips.

“Oh yes Tara … yes yes, Tara … oh Tara ... Tara …”

“ Tara …”

“ Tara !”

“Huh?”

I sit up, opening my eyes, blinking at the bright lights flooding in through the car windows.

“Were ya sleeping?” asked Claire.

“Oh.. uh, yeah I-I uh, I guess I w-was.”

“I’m going in, do you want anything?” asked Casey, leaning back into the car.

I looked out the window and realized we had stopped to get gas and Casey must have just finished pumping it.

“Oh… uh… um… No, I-I’ll go in too.” I said, opening my door.  “I think I have to u-use the bathroom.”

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

I fled to my room.  I didn’t know what else to do after seeing the look on her face.  I was angry, scared, embarrassed, and so much more.  I felt flooded with absurdity.  I locked myself away, throwing on a mixed cd I had burned recently and cranking up the volume.  I didn’t care how loud it was, so long as I could drown everything beyond my bedroom door out.  As long as I could drown out my own torment.

I sat on my bed, clutching my reliable pillow to my chest, and rocked myself back and forth, trying to sooth away the torrent of emotions boiling within me.  I couldn’t help the tears that freely flowed down my red cheeks and dropped onto the pillow, spreading and soaking into the smooth cool fabric.

How could I blow up at Buffy like that? How could I be so angry and then say those things?  I was supposed to be the best friend, logic girl; the one person she could trust to forgive all of her wrongs, and I always had.  People make mistakes; I was a walking testament to that, and Buffy had definitely made some mistakes in the past.  Sure, maybe sometimes I had been mad at her, but I’ve always forgiven her.  That’s part of the best friend job description.  It’s in the manual!

Forgiveness was not the only issue I needed to deal with though.  My stupidity would be a nice start.  How could I tell Buffy my secret feelings for her? Not that I had come out and told her that I had been in love with her since we met or that I fantasized about her, had dreams about her, thought about her when I… No, I hadn’t said all that, but I was pretty sure she got the idea from what I did say, especially given her reaction. Stupid. Very Stupid Rosenberg .  As if things weren’t already tense around here, I just had to throw more fuel on the fire.

I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at the floor, rocking back and forth and holding a tear-stained pillow against my sobs, letting music create a barrier between me and everyone else.

why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I was startled by Buffy’s knock and faint voice at my door.

“ Willow ?”

I didn’t respond.  I was petrified, thinking there would never be a good way to handle all of this, the humiliation, the anger, the loneliness, and the rejection.  And that was the reason why I never let my feelings show, never told her how much she really meant to me beyond all forms of friendship, why I clung so tightly to Oz and Tara.  It was her ultimate rejection that scared me into silence, into shoving the need for her deep down inside where no one could touch it, where I could almost ignore it.  Denial was a job I was good at. I could sit in class and not look at her, not stare at her smooth toned legs or the way the sun lit her highlights into a dance that would mesmerize.  I became real good at ignoring all the things about her that made my blood boil, sent shivers down my spine, captured my heart, squeezing until I was out of breath.

“Hey Will!” Buffy shouted louder, banging on the door.

Ignore.  Ignore.

“Come on Will, we need to talk!”

She was right, but that didn’t mean I wanted to.  It didn’t mean I would like myself any better for messing everything up.  For acting the way I did tonight, for adding to the tension between me and Buffy.  And it certainly didn’t mean that I would ever forgive myself for doing magicks on Tara to keep her beside me, keep her close as a distraction against my feelings for Buffy, or my guilt I saw reflected in her own eyes when she looked at Buffy in a way I was all too familiar with.  Talking wouldn’t erase the shame, or erase the guilt, and heartache.

I got up, leaving my damp pillow behind, and walked to the door.  I thought maybe I would just give in and open it, confront her, confront all our problems, and confront my own hidden passion for her.  Talking would definitely be a step in the right direction, thank you logic girl, but that still didn’t mean I wanted to.

it’s been awhile

since I could hold my head up high

and it’s been awhile

since I said I’m sorry…

I pressed my forehead up against the door with my eyes closed, my right hand flat near my head.

“ Willow !” I heard her shout just as the song