Dispelling the Darkness

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Buffy stopped outside the clear sliding glass door to the hospital room in the CCU unit, looking in through a crack in the Venetian blinds that lined the window. She sighed heavily and prepared herself for what became her twice-a-day ritual. She donned the plastic apron, the surgical mask, and sterile gloves. She slid back the door with her elbow just enough to slide through and in an instant she was once again at her friend’s bedside.

Wires and cords lined the floor from the equipment and monitors, mirroring the tubes hung from bags of hemoglobin, platelets, and antibiotics that fed into a pale white arm laying listlessly on the bed. There was a steady hum from the equipment interjected by the occasional beeps and blips from one of the many machines. The TV was on, but the sound was barely audible, even to the advanced hearing of a Slayer.

Buffy took a seat in the blue pleather recliner next to the bed and gathered up her friend’s hand into hers, willing her slayer healing ability to heal her friend’s illness. She watched the TV, absently stroking the cool hand with her thumb. She didn’t try to wake the red head, instead letting her get her rest and hoping that when she did wake up, that maybe she would have a lucid moment.

[Giles, Wesley, Willow , Oz, Xander, Cordelia, and Buffy were gathered around the large wooden table used for research in the library.

“She can read our minds? Our every impulse and fantasy?” Asked Xander.

“Every one.” Responded Buffy matter-of-factly.

<Oh God.> Thought Xander and Willow at the same time, looking away from Buffy.

Xander constantly thought about naked girls and sex, or sex with naked girls, or sex with a naked Buffy. He was already becoming very uncomfortable. Willow on the other hand thought of many more things as her brain seemed to be a constant flood of thoughts and ideas.

<I don't see what this has to do with me. > Thought Cordelia before she spoke those same words out loud.

<Don’t think about it, don’t think about her… it… eep!.> Willow flashed Buffy a look and said, “Well, I think it's great. Right? I-I mean… you enjoy your other slayer powers.”

Buffy eyed Willow curiously for a second before responding.

“Uh…Yeah, and it'll be fun. Did you see Nancy Doyle's face in English Class today?”

< Oh God she’s gonna know and she won’t want to be my friend.>

“Yeah, she’s supercompetetive… a-and you really showed her.”

< She's hardly even human anymore. How can I be her friend now? She doesn't need me.>

“No! I do need you.” Buffy interjected, cutting Willow ’s stream of thought off finally.

Cordelia piped up with, “Ok, what are you talking about? Because you are soooo creepy right now.”

Giles, trying to keep his own thoughts in check, moved towards the stacks, gesturing for Wesley to follow.

“Um...I think there must be some precedence for occurrences such as this. Uh, I'll research it. Wesley, can you give me a hand?” He asked the younger Watcher.

“Of course. Where do you think we should start?” Wesley responded glancing from him to Cordelia to Buffy.

He was falling in lust with the beautiful brunette and was trying his hardest to shield his inappropriate thoughts from the telepathic Slayer.

Willow and Buffy looked at each other, fear on both of their faces.

Buffy was scared that she would alienate Willow with these new powers, and was already aware that she was freaking everyone out. Willow was hollering about her not finding something out and Xander was trying to shield his thoughts about sex, while Oz was already contemplating his mere existence.

“Hmm...” Sounded Oz.

Meanwhile, Xander was having trouble controlling his own stream of consciousness. <What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! 4 times 5 is thirty. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked Women! Naked Buffy! Oh stop me!>

“God Xander! Is that all you think about?” Buffy shot at him incredulously.

<Oh God!> Thought Willow . <Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, buffy…ahh…beryllium…>

“Actually... bye!” Shouted Xander before high-tailing it out the library.

Buffy wasn’t sure how to react between Xander’s burst from the library and Willow ’s chanting, what appeared to be elements of the periodic table. Her ears perked up at the sound of her name.

Wesley cleared his throat and stepped back toward the table, “Xander has just illustrated something. Chances are, you're all going to be thinking whatever you least want Buffy to hear. It's a question, of course, of mental discipline.”

< Look at Cordelia. No! Don't look at Cordelia! She's a student! Oh I am a bad man. I'm a bad, bad man!>

“He's right. There are... “ Agreed Giles trailing off while looking at yet another book.

Buffy gazed intently at Wesley, letting him know that she had heard everything. She enjoyed the way he squirmed under her gaze before excusing himself and hiding in Giles’ office.

<…neon, sodium, magnesium, aluminum…>

Willow caught Buffy looking at her curiously. The Slayer was sure Willow was doing this not because she was a brain and entirely too good at chemistry, but instead so that Willow could block her thoughts from her.

<Don’t think about her?> Buffy thought to herself. <Don’t think about who?>

The redhead decided engaging in conversation might be a better means of distraction.

“What's it like Buffy?” She asked her blonde friend.

“I don't know. It's a little wierd. But... Look, please, don't for a second think that I don't need you, because I do. I want to share this with you. It's like all these doors are opening to all these little worlds, and I can just walk right inside.”

< No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think. Therefore, she is.>

Buffy looked at Oz again, surprised that the guitar player whom she knew almost nothing about, had such deep thoughts.

Willow ’s fears came back in full force as she watched Buffy stare at Oz, knowing the new powers her friend had would allow her to know everything he was thinking. <She knows so much. She knows what I’m thinking. She knows what Oz is thinking. I never know that. Before long, she'll know him better than I do.>

“No, don't think that.” Buffy turned to Willow trying to reassure her.

“I can't help it Buffy. I-I'm sorry, I just can't.”

Willow got up and followed Xander’s example of fleeing the library.

“If you don't need me, I'm gonna follow the red head.” Said Oz, following Willow out.

Buffy sighed to herself while to Giles and Cordelia she said,

“Guess I won't be writing that book, 'Gaining Friends through Telepathy.'” ]

Buffy felt her hand being squeezed and she gave her friend her full attention. The worn down body lay still in the bed, eyes fluttering in restless sleep. Buffy winced, her chin trembling slightly. She wished there was something she could do, something she could do to make the doctors fix her, some news of change. She hoped for a miracle, hoped for a vision to tell her what to do, for any sign that Willow wouldn’t be in any more pain. Nothing came.

Everyday for two weeks she came and sat, waited, treasured any time that Willow was lucid, even for the shortest few minutes. She came early in the morning, held Willow ’s hand, watched the TV, slept, read, and sometimes she stared straight ahead. And everyday she left for no more than a few hours, only then if Xander or Giles was willing to stay until she got back. At first they pleaded with her to leave and let Willow rest, to sleep in her own bed because she needed rest too. To let the doctors do their job. Everyone pleaded with her, including the doctors, who at first had tried to keep her out all together until she proved to them just how convincing she could be.

She listened to no one though, opting instead to spend her “two shifts” at her best friend’s side, only sleeping when she needed it. The rest of the time she spent patrolling, killing vampires and demons mercilessly as if it would help kill whatever infection was raging on inside of her red headed friend. After the first few days, her friends gave up trying to get her to go home. Giles still offered to stay longer so that Buffy would go home, knowing that the only way she’d leave was if someone else promised to stay. Even then, she didn’t always leave, or if she did, it still wasn’t for long.

“Come on Will, come back to me.” Buffy whispered before kissing her friend’s forehead and smoothing away the red splash of hair there.

[ Buffy was crouched with her back against the tree, lost in thought. “Deep thoughts?” Asked Willow , walking up to Buffy.

Buffy smiled up at Willow and said, “Deep and meaningful.”

“As in?”

Willow took a seat next to Buffy under the tree.

“As in, I’m never getting out of here. I kept thinking… if I stopped the Mayor or… but I was kidding myself. I mean… there is always going to be something. I’m a Sunnydale girl, no other choice.”

“Must be tough. I mean… here I am… I-I can do anything I want. I can go to college anywhere in the country, four or five in Europe if I want.”

“Please tell me you’re going somewhere with this?” Buffy asked, hoping not to get caught in Willow babble, as cute as it was at times.

“No.”

Buffy looked at Willow confused as the red head handed her a letter.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“UC Sunnydale?” Buffy asked in disbelief.

Willow smiled. “I will be matriculating with the Class of 2003.”

“Are you serious?” Disbelief still evident in her voice.

“Say, isn't that where you're going?” Willow teased.

Buffy leapt at Willow , hugging her fiercely and toppling the two teens to the ground.

“I can't believe it! Are you serious?” Started Buffy, positioning herself on her side. “Ah, wait, what am I saying? You can't.”

Willow turned herself over as well before responding.

“What do you mean, I can't?”

“I won't let you.”

“Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?”

Buffy could imagine Willow putting her resolve face on, hands on hips, and tapping her foot.

“There are better schools.”

“Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum.”

Willow always got excited talking about school. Going to collage was going to be one of the biggest thrills of her life.

“Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me.”

Willow sighed and gave Buffy a half smile. Buffy thought there might be something hiding behind that expression that Willow wasn’t ready to show yet.

“Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you.” Willow’s voice lacked the conviction she had earlier shown and she briefly looked off into the distance before she refocused and continued.

“The other night, you know… being captured and all… facing off with Faith… things just kind of… got clear. I-I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years…a-and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. A-and I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil… help people. I mean… I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.”

Buffy’s heart ballooned in relief, pride, and love for her best friend who would give up getting out of Sunnydale, away from the hellmouth, give up opportunities to study at some of the best schools worldwide, to stay and fight evil with her.

“I kinda love you.” Said Buffy, realizing for the first time just how much more than kinda she meant.

“And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn?” Willow said quickly, ignoring the tender ache in her heart at Buffy’s words.

“I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.”

“Mochas?” Asked Willow with a silly grin.

“Yes, please.”

The two girls got off the ground, dusting themselves off and headed for the Expresso Pump.

“It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.”

“Neat, huh?” Willow questioned, giving the blonde a sideways glance.

“Sometimes it is.” Agreed Buffy.

The two continued to walk in search of hot Coffee with arms linked, lost in further thought about their friendship, the future, and the impending doom that might take that future away.

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“Any change?”

Giles soft British voice nudged her out of a light sleep, making Buffy groan at the twinge of discomfort in her neck from where it had rested on her friend’s bed side.

She shook her head shortly before casting her eyes up at the man she knew more as a father than Watcher. He looked tired, they all did, but Buffy had never seen Giles look quite this way. He was unshaven, hair tossled, his shirt wrinkled. Buffy eyed him quizzically for a moment. They needed to talk, she could see that.

Giles had not donned any of the required articles for to visit someone with such a high level of infection as Willow had, and so he stood in the hall, only a sliver of his face blocked by the thick glass of the doors.

She stroked Willow’s arm tenderly before leaning over and planting a soft kiss on her head.

“I’ll be right back.” Buffy whispered to the noisy sleeper.

Buffy had become used to the groans and sighs that Willow released after only a few days of sitting vigil, learning not to jump up and check her every time.

The Slayer stepped out into the hallway and stripped off the mask, gloves, and apron already too used to this routine every time they moved in or out of the room. Aprons could be reworn if left just inside the room, but masks and gloves were to be disposed of, new ones used every time upon entrance in the protected room.

Watcher and Slayer headed down the hall, silent until they reached the large double doors that led to the waiting area and the safer parts of the hospital, not reserved for those who were most sick.

“So what’s up Giles?” She turned to him and took in his appearance again. Before she could let Giles answer, she spoke again. “You really look rough.”

He smiled weakly and nodded, looking down at himself.

“Let’s uh, go in here.” Buffy offered, holding her arm out to indicate a “quiet room.”

It was a small room, dark save for a small lamp in the corner on a table. There were two chairs and a small love seat that was more of a bench than a sofa. Buffy had noticed an older woman and a priest in there the day before on her way to the restroom, praying and crying together. From the looks of it, she thought maybe the priest might have also been family, the woman’s son perhaps.

Buffy took a chair, leaning forward with her elbows on thighs, her head cradled in her trembling hands. Giles looked at the love seat distrustfully before sitting down. He groaned as he eased back, obvious discomfort in his back.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, just…”

“Up all night again?”

“Um… yes, actually.”

Buffy gave him a sympathetic look then brought her hand down in front of her to study them. They were both quiet for a few moments before Buffy began to speak.

“Giles… I need to know…”

“I know…”

“Will she…?”

Giles shook his head slowly, not sure where to start.

Buffy looked at him with desperate eyes.

“Buffy, I uh… I’ve been researching around the clock, with Xander and Anya’s help too…”

“I’m sorry I can’t help.”

Buffy felt weak. She should be with the other Scoobies, researching, trying to fix Willow instead of moping around the hospital, willing her friend to wake up and be ok.

“No, no… I think you’re quite right to stay by Willow. She needs to know we are here for her, especially after everything that’s happened.”

“But I could help you… I could… but I… I can’t leave her Giles.” Buffy felt defeated and was sure that whatever horror awaited her that night on patrol would surely be her ruin.

“No Buffy…” Giles leaned forward and took her hands in his. “I think that, maybe in the beginning, we were wrong for trying to get you to go home. Now… now I think it’s more beneficial for you to be by her side.”

“You… you really think that?”

“Oh yes, quite so. Now more than ever.”

“Wha-? Why’s that?”

Giles closed his eyes and cleared his throat, getting all his thoughts together. He took off her glasses and began cleaning them as he told her all that they had found.

“Buffy… we know that what the doctors are doing, well it’s, it’s all they can do. This fever, infection… this thing that’s raging inside Willow… we were right Buffy. It is fueled by magicks.”

Buffy took all this in, nodding slowly to show she understood and to urge him to continue.

“When Willow harnessed that black power it wanted to consume her, make her a living agent of its evil. Willow let it until she took good, pure magic from me. The forces struggled inside her, that is why Xander was able to get to her, to stop her, to show her his love and touch that bit of humanity left in her. When he did that, the black magicks she had let run through her body were forced out, drained if you will. But unfortunately, what was left behind was an infection, fueled by mystical power true, but a deadly infection eating through her none-the-less.”

Buffy was stunned. They all had figured it was something to do with the powers she had harnessed, either that or the guilt over what she had done, hence the steady research to explain their friend’s quick downward decent into illness.

And when it was clear that Willow wasn’t getting better, that this was not just about a fever, headaches, and nosebleeds, they took her to the hospital. The doctors were perplexed, still were, hooking her up to machines, running tests, giving her antibiotics, speculating on whether they were dealing with a form of cancer or leukemia that hadn’t been discovered before.

Buffy was numb during most of this. Allowing Willow back into her home where she had shared a room with Tara, but trying desperately to not let her back into her heart. She couldn’t be mad, couldn’t kick her out, or yell at her even for what she had done, had tried to do to them all. She loved her and knew she was in pain. But she was numb, so very numb all over like when she first had been pulled from the earth by the same person who tried to put her back.

They had set Willow up on the couch in the living room, knowing it wasn’t wise for her to see the large blood stain in the carpet from Tara’s bleeding body. Giles stayed over, setting up a cot not far from the living space. Xander stayed too, sleeping on the floor, in a chair, or not sleeping at all. He stayed beside Willow for those first few days as if the world depended on it. And Buffy knew it was true, he had saved them all. He had done the simplest, easiest thing. He had loved Willow, their entire lives he loved her and would no matter what. He gave her truth, light, hope, and love, and Buffy was numb with guilt because she hadn’t.

“Giles?”

Giles looked up into a tear-streaked face.

“How do we stop it? How do we heal her?”

“That I don’t know yet. I do know that, if what we’ve been able to find out is correct, then, like I said before, what the doctors are doing, the antibiotics, the platelets and such, it’s helping her. They’re fighting the infection with the best they can.”

Buffy nodded, not wanting to accept that what they had been doing the last two weeks here in this damned hospital was the only thing they could do. She wanted answer. She wanted solutions. She wanted a cure for her best friend and she wanted it now.

“Okay.” She finally said, weakly. She got to her feet and looked at Giles, knowing the Watcher was in as much pain over Willow as the rest of them.

“I need to get back to her.”

Giles stood and nodded in understanding. Buffy began to turn but Giles stopped her.

“Buffy… there’s one more thing I need you to know.”

“What’s that?”

“I em… I must leave… go back to England again.”

“What?! Giles! You can’t!”

Giles shook his head, knowing he had to say something quick or his Slayer would lose it.

“Buffy.” He started sternly. “It’s for Willow.”

“It is? Wh- How?” She looked towards him for reassurance, for answers.

“The witches, the powerful coven in Devonshire I told you about… the ones who imbued me with their powers and sent me to help Willow… I’ve been talking with them… but communication is slow… there is…” He took off his glasses again and looked at them. “There is much more we can find out if I’m there with them, I’m afraid.”

Buffy took this in. Giles was leaving again. Things had gone so wrong before, so horribly wrong when he left. Now they were facing the aftermath of all that and he was leaving again. She wanted to shout at him, to fling her fists and him and beg him to stay. But she knew too that if it would help Willow there was no other choice. He wasn’t leaving because he wanted her to be an adult, to take care of her own problems. He wasn’t leaving because he missed England. He was going to help Willow and that was all the explanation Buffy needed.

“When are you leaving?”

He bowed his head for a moment. “Tomorrow morning. I made the arrangements before I came here.”

Buffy nodded, slowing accepting this new turn in events. She hugged him then, fiercer than she had when he walked in on Willow trying to turn her and Anya into scrap body parts.

“Help her.” Was all she said before breaking the hug and making her way out the “quiet room” door and back through the double doors that housed rooms of death.

[ “I can’t believe the school’s gone.”

“I know…”

“I-I mean… the school Buffy… our school…”

“Calm down Will, you’ll have a whole new world from which to educate that mind of yours in a few weeks.”

“I know… it’s just that…”

“I know… I know… the school’s gone. Give it up Will, we graduated… alive I might add… one dead worm-mayor and another apocalypse avoided… we’re free for the summer and then we’re starting our very first fun filled year at UC Sunnydale. You won’t be getting sympathy from me.”

“Grumble grumble.”

Buffy laughed lightly, holding the phone to her head with her shoulder as she struggled to open a carton of left over Chinese food.

“Besides…” Buffy continued. “If I have to be okay with Angel leaving… you can at least forget that the school has a big gaping whole in it.

“Oh Gods, Buffy…” Willow slapped herself upside the head. “H-how are you doing?”

“I told you… I’m… okay.” Buffy stabbed a strip of Beef and sucked it into her mouth. Chewing, she said, “I knew he was leaving… I love him… I miss him… but I can’t change that, I can’t bring him back… and it would only lead to bad things if I did.”

“Oh… yeah…” Willow looked at her still empty fish tank. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to get new fish since she had found the others dead on a string. She had simply drained the water out and left the tank on the floor in the corner.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments but Willow could hear Buffy chewing.

“What are you eating?” She asked.

“Hmmm…” Buffy looked at the half-congealed mess in front of her. She hadn’t bothered to heat the dish up. “Beef and Broccoli.” She concluded.

“Oh… sounds yummy. Maybe I’ll get Chinese for dinner.”

“Are you’re parents home yet?”

“Oh… uh… no… they…”

Willow wasn’t really sure where her parents were. They had called and left a message on the answering machine saying they were going to be in Budapest for another two weeks. Then a similar message was left saying they had a change of plans and would probably be in Rome. Probably? Probably?

Buffy knew the routine. She had spent many, many nights with Willow either at the Rosenberg house or her own because her parents were out of town. Summers were the worst for the red head, Buffy knew. Willow’s parents would leave for weeks at a time and leave Willow alone with cash and a charge card to take care of herself. Buffy thought that in all the time she had known Willow, her mom had never shown so much concern for the welfare of her daughter until she was willing to burn her at the stake. Buffy just couldn’t figure that out, even if her own mother was under the say delusion.

“How ‘bout I come over, Will? Bring a few movies?”

“Um… okay.”

“Alright.” Buffy put the half eaten leftovers back in the fridge. “Be over in a bit!”

“Bye!” Willow smiled to herself. She loved having sleepovers with Buffy. She always felt so much closer to her then.

Three hours and a pizza later, the two girls were laying across Willow’s bed, stomachs down and legs lazily bent upwards, watching Steele Magnolias for the upteenth time. Movie boxes were haphazardly strewn in front of the TV/VCR combination and several empty Cokes were crumpled up near, but not in, the garbage.

Buffy turned to Willow suddenly, desperately needing to ask a question that had been burning in her head for several months now.

“Hey Will?”

“Yeah Buffy?” Willow glanced over at the blonde briefly.

“Um… can I… uh… well there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

Willow turned, supporting herself by propping on her elbow. She studied Buffy’s face, searching for a sign as to if this question was going to be good or bad. A light fear washed over her as she saw the struggle in Buffy’s eyes.

“W-what is it?"

Buffy smiled warmly, more to herself than for Willow’s sake. Was she really going to ask her about this? How long had it been now that she tried to figure out Willow’s thoughts while being telepathic?

Buffy sighed deeply before she spoke. “Will… what did you mean… that day I could hear your thoughts… you remember?”

<Oh Gods!> Willow thought, the fear increases several knots. Her palms began to sweat and her stomach made several loops.

“W-what are you talking about?” Willow whispered. She didn’t mean to whisper. She meant to sound as if she really had to clue what Buffy could be talking about. That didn’t work though. The crack in her voice betrayed her and Buffy caught it.

“Hey Will… this is me here. You know you don’t have to hide anything from me.” Buffy wanted answers, but she also wanted to reassure her friend that there was nothing in the world that would stop her from being her friend. She remembered Willow thinking that if Buffy knew that she wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore. <But knew what exactly?>

“Uh… um… w-what was the question again?” Willow was blushing from head to toe and knew exactly what Buffy was referring to. She was actually surprised that it had taken her friend this long to ask. Buffy could be so nosy sometimes, hence the reason she thought the telepathy thing was so cool at first.

Buffy raised herself up, sitting Indian style with her hands in her lap.

“Okay Will. That day in the library… I kept hearing you say… or erm, think things… things like ‘don’t think about it, don’t think about her’ and that if I found out I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore… which is so far from the truth!”

“You don’t know that.” Willow said simply. She sat up and faced Buffy, sitting in the same style. She couldn’t meet Buffy’s eyes though, scared that her friend would see the truth in her eyes.

“No, I Do know that Will. I told you, nothing could ever happen to make me stop loving you.”

Willow’s head shot up and caught Buffy’s eyes. Her heart fluttered at first. But she knew Buffy only meant as a friend and it saddened her more.

“I uh…” Willow started.

“Willow…” Buffy urged her friend on.

“Ah… uh… o-okay… I-I’m going to tell you this because I know you won’t let it go… and it’s going to be really embarrassing and you’ll probably hate me… run off to L.A. even… and I’m only doing this ‘cause you want me to… so if you don’t like what you hear… a-and I know you wont-“

“Will! Babble much?”

“I-I… oh… crap. Okay… here goes.”

Willow took a deep breath, bracing herself for whatever negative reaction Buffy was going to have.

“I um… I’m…” She took another deep breath and let it out slow. “O-okay… you know I love Oz right?”

“Well yeah… I mean hello! You’re practically stuck at the hip.” Buffy mused.

Willow smiled, thinking <yours too it seems… at least that’s what Oz says.>

“Yeah… right… so. Okay, well I kind of like um… well I-I don’t just like guys, Buffy.”

Buffy took this in, some questions already confirmed.

“So…” The blonde started, “are you telling me you’re into… girls… too?”

Willow looked down, her head in her hands.

“I know I know… I’m awful…”

“What? NO! Will…”

Buffy moved to put her arms around her best friend. <God I didn’t know this was going to be so hard on her.>

“Willow… shh… it’s okay. It’s okay.” She tried to reassure her now crying friend, running her fingers through her soft red hair.

“But Buffy…” She shook her head and retreated from Buffy’s arms and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “That’s not… I mean… there’s more.”

“Oh?”

“I-I mean… okay… me liking girls too, okay so I guess I’m bisexual right?”

“Yeah… I mean… guess.” <Have you ever been with a girl Will? What? Did I just think that? Do. Not. Ask. Her. That!>

“Yeah… I-I mean I’ve kind of dealt with that… just haven’t… I never told anyone though.”

“Not even Oz?”

Willow shook her head. She was scared if she told him that he’d get a bright idea for a threesome. At least that’s what Xander would probably say.

Neither said anything for a few moments. Willow could feel the tension in her build. She knew she had to follow through and tell Buffy everything. It felt good, she realized, to tell Buffy her deep dark secret, as she had referred to it over the last year. She wasn’t sure if it would feel this good after telling Buffy she was in love with her though.

“So okay… you’re bi… good for you Will.”

Willow looked up at a smiling Buffy.

“A-are you serious?”

“Well yeah.” Buffy put her hand on Willow’s knee and squeezed gently. “It’s not a bad thing, ya know. It’s okay… I’m just glad you got it off your chest.”

“Yeah…”

“But um… Will?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s more… isn’t there?”

Willow eyed her curiously.

“Buffy you don’t have your telepathy back do you?”

“Huh? No way… why do you say that?”

Willow shrugged. “Just felt like you were wandering around in there or something.”

“So… there is more then?”

“Oh yeah.” The redhead nodded, not believing what she was about to do.

“Okay… I know you think me being bi is okay and all but I’m pretty sure you’re going to hate me after I tell you this and all I ask is that you don’t kill me… Slayer powers and all…”

“Will…” Buffy began to wind.

“I know, I know… starting to babble again.

Buffy nodded. <Just tell me Willow.>

<Just tell her Willow.> She took a deep breath, running her hand through her hair. <Okay. Just going to say it, get it over with.>

“I-I’m uh…” She froze, having to take another slow deep breath. “IthinkI’minlovewithyou.”

“Okay first… slow down. And second… say that again.”

Willow put her head in her hands and groaned. <Again?? She wants me to actually say it again?>

Willow kept her head in her hands, shaking it from side to side slowly. Buffy put her hand gently on her best friend’s shoulder.

“Willow?”

“I said…” She began, not lifting her head, but pronunciating her words so that Buffy could hear her. “I think… no… I’m pretty sure I know…”

“Know what?” <You’re torturing her. You know damn well what she’s going to say.>

“That I… I’m in love with you.”

There was complete silence for a few seconds and briefly Willow wondered if she had missed Buffy sprinting for the door.

Buffy for her part was not as shocked as Willow thought she should be. Buffy thought way too much, and ever since that day she had thought a lot about what Willow’s thoughts could have meant. She didn’t want to push things, didn’t want to hurt her best friend in all the world, but she knew she couldn’t return those feelings. As much as her brain was telling her to never question Willow, never make her confirm her suspicions, her curiosity had gotten the better of her per usual and so there they were, silently sitting on Willow’s bed as Buffy rolled her words carefully around in her mouth and Willow waiting for the inevitable sledgehammer to drop.

“Are you sure?” Buffy finally asked the embarrassed and equally petrified red head in front of her.

“Huh?” Willow looked up, a mix of shame and shock on her face. She couldn’t believe Buffy was still there, still talking to her.

“Are you sure… that you are… are you know… in love… with me?”

Willow couldn’t meet her eyes, simply looked at Buffy’s chin, her hair, anywhere but those questioning, soulful eyes.

She wrung her hands. <Yes! Of course! But maybe, maybe I just think I am… maybe I’m not really in love with her… it’s not like we’ve talked about it, or kissed… or… but I know how I feel damnit!>

“I… yeah.” Willow squeeked out, nodding her head slowly. A single tear fell from her face to the back of her hand and she quickly moved to wipe her tears away.

Buffy beat her to it though, moving her own hand up to Willow’s cheek where she brushed the backs of her fingers across the smooth warmth of damp cheeks. Willow’s eyes shot to Buffy’s and her breath hitched. They locked eyes for only a second before Buffy moved her hand away and diverted her gaze. It lasted only a second, but it was more than enough time for the familiar zing of energy to zip through the red head’s body.

Buffy decided to give Willow some space. She lifted herself off the bed and moved to look out the door window at the setting sun. Soon she would have to go on patrol. The plan was for her to take Willow and they would do a few quick sweeps of the surrounding cemeteries. Things had been slow lately, very slow, and the Slayer figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal.

Willow continued on as she was, sitting cross legged, her head hung low, wringing her hands in her lap.

“Buffy?” She looked up to see the blonde at the window.

Buffy didn’t turn around. <I think we just messed this up, big time.> She thought. <We couldn’t have just let it rest? Now Willow is hurting and embarrassed and scared I’m going to stop being her friend, all because she can’t help how she feels.>

“Buffy… I’m so sorry!” The redhead pleaded, fear creating an uneasy tone in her voice that Buffy hadn’t heard before.

The slayer finally turned, taking in the sight of her friend, practically broken, pleading with her eyes for forgiveness, for understanding.

“Oh God Will…” Buffy started. She moved in front of Willow, kneeling beside the bed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for okay?”

There was no response.

“Will… Willow, look at me.” Buffy reached out, and with a gentle touch, urged Willow’s chin up, bringing there eyes back into contact.

“This changes nothing.”

“But Buff-“

“Nothing.” Her tone was stern, unrelenting. “So you love me, you can’t help how you feel.”

Willow shook her head in disbelief.

“I-I’ve tried… tried not to.” Willow tried to explain. How many nights had she lain in bed awake, trying to think of Oz alone, and not the firm toned features of the blonde, or how soft her lips might be when she kissed them.

“Oh honey, you gotta listen to me. I’ll admit this is… ah… a little weird for me… but.” She held up her hand as if to emphasize. “It still doesn’t change how much you mean to me, or our friendship. You, Xander, Giles… you guys are as much a part of my family as my Mom and Dawn.”

“Oh Buffy…”

“Listen, don’t feel bad… okay? I mean… actually I’m kind of flattered, and maybe I’m the one who should feel bad.”

“Huh?”

“Well… here you are… in… love… with me… and I… I can’t return those feelings Will…”

Even though she was already well aware of this fact, hearing the words made it all too real and sadness washed over Willow’s face.

“I’m sorry Willow.” Buffy wanted to hug her friend but not sure if it would be appropriate.

Buffy shrugged and moved forward to wrap her arms around Willow. She stiffened at Buffy’s touch at first, then relaxed into the Slayer as she had so many times before. <Maybe things will be okay after all.> She thought.

“Don’t hate me Buffy.”

“Shh, don’t talk like that. Of course I don’t hate you, I love you Willow. I’m just sorry I can’t be the one to make you happy.”

“That’s okay… I do still have Oz you know.”

“Yup.”

The Slayer held her red headed best friend in her arms, mixed emotions plaguing her as she felt the soft beat of Willow’s heart against her own. ]

“Hey you.”

Buffy softly brushed red hair away from a pale cheek. Willow smiled wanly, slowly opening and closing her eyes, trying to wake up.

“Hey…” Willow tried. Her voice was but a whisper and had Buffy not been a Slayer would have probably missed it.

“Shhh… you don’t have to talk.”

“No…” The red head closed her eyes for a few seconds. She was extremely weak and hurt all over. Her mouth was dray and she desperately needed some water.

“W-water…”

Buffy was up in a heartbeat, grabbing the cup of ice she had just refilled a few minutes earlier.

“Sorry sweetie, no water. Have some ice.”

Willow nodded that she understood and opened her mouth slightly, allowing Buffy’s fingers to ease the cold sphere between her lips.

Neither of them spoke. Buffy held Willow’s hand just as she did every single minute she was in the room, while Willow slowly sucked the ice, allowing the cold liquid to ease down her throat.

“H-how long…” She didn’t finish, but knew Buffy would know what she meant. It was difficult to talk. She still had cottonmouth even after Buffy fed her a few more ice chips and her throat hurt. Her entire body ached and she felt as if she needed to go back to sleep.

“Um… well. That’s hard to say. What’s the last thing you remember?”

Willow thought for a moment. She knew she must have been here awhile already. The first few days she was in and out, but her body began to give out, she got weak, not able to keep her eyes open, and she also knew that she had been having hallucinations. <Unless of course the walls melting and the bugs crawling on my skin were all apart of the treatment.

“Um…” She cleared her throat and winced at the pain. “Xander and… no… wait…” <You were holding my hand and crying.>

“It’s okay Will, you don’t have to… umm…”

“No… you were here…”

Buffy smiled warmly. “I’ve been here the entire time sweetie.”

“I-I think… I know that. I remember you… crying… holding my hand… and crying my name.”

Buffy was surprised. She had tried her best to stay strong for Willow, for all of them, only allowing herself to cry when she took a break to go to the bathroom. But the night before had been different. Willow hadn’t come around for almost two whole days. At least not where she made sense. She had been hallucinating, alternating between groans of pain, and shouts of fear as Buffy held her hand and tried to soothe her. She couldn’t hold her pain in anymore. Willow had finally calmed down, and though her sleep was fitful, she wasn’t trying to tear herself from the bed.

Buffy broke down then, weeping softly into the mattress beside her dying best friend’s slim frame until her cries became almost too much to bear and all she could do was chant Willow’s name over and over as if her secret mantra would help dispel whatever darkness was raging inside her.

“You heard me? You remember that… last night?”

“I-I guess… that’s… the last… I remember.”

“Well that’s… that’s good.”

Buffy leaned forward and tenderly kissed Willow on the cheek. While still near her ear, she whispered “I love you.”

Willow smiled. As soon as she did though, the current turn of events flooded her memory and she felt sick with guilt and shame. <How could she love me after all I’ve done?>

“B-but…” She started but the swelling lump in her throat made it impossible for her to continue. Hot tears fell from her eyes, flowing in even lines down her cheeks.

“Wha- Will… are you okay? Do you need something? A-are you in pain?”

Buffy stood up, but never letting go of Willow’s clenched hand.

Willow shook her head, ignoring the steady pulse in her temple as she felt the thick black calling her back to sleep.

“I-I did… so many… evil things… how could… you… still love…”

She wasn’t able to finish, sinking deeper into the dark oblivion of her illness.

“Buffy sat back down, wiping the tears off of her friend’s cheeks even as her own made their slow descent.

“I’ll never stop loving you.” She whispered softly, closing her eyes and pressing her forehead against the back of Willow’s unresponsive hand.

========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ========== BtVS ==========

[ “Poor Buffy…”

Willow patted the Slayer on the back, a sympathetic look plastered on her features.

She couldn’t believe that it was Buffy’s roommate all along and not a psycho Buffy. Well she was certainly glad it wasn’t a psycho Buffy because that would just mean badness for everyone. Mostly she couldn’t believe that she had really doubted her best friend to the extent that she thought Buffy was losing it.

“Maybe… it’s a Slayer thing.”

Buffy glanced at the redhead beside her on the bed.

“Huh?”

“W-well… maybe because you’re the Slayer… bad things… just kind of… find you.”

“Oh.”

“Oh… I’m sorry… I’m not helping.”

Both sat for a moment looking at Kathy’s side of the room, her stuff still where she left it. Apparently angry demon parents don’t care about their kids’ stuff.

“Hey Will?”

Willow glanced over at a very smile friendly Slayer, looking at her with eyes that said ‘I’ll be your best friend…”

Willow knew that look and knew it was next to impossible to deny Buffy anything when she was confronted with it.

“Hmmm… I know that look.” Willow looked at Kathy’s stuff and knew Buffy wanted her to help lug it away.

She got up and cased the place quickly.

“Okay… but can we wait until the morning, I’m kind of beat.”

“Huh?” Buffy was confused, she hadn’t even asked Willow yet.

“A-and we’re going to need some boxes.”

“Oh… okay.” Buffy was still confused as to how Willow knew she wanted her to move in, but was happy none-the-less.

“Well are you sure you don’t need a little more time to pack your stuff?”

Willow stopped mid-thought, mental groans over having go through the demon’s stuff coming to a halt as well.

“M-my stuff?” She asked, confusion plainly evident.

“Well yeah… I-I mean I could help you pack if you want… but I should probably get rid of all this stuff first…” Buffy made a sort of sweeping gesture with her arm, indicating her ex-roomates clothes, posters, and of course, CD collection.

“Um…” Willow sat on the other bed, across from Buffy. “Okay. I’m a little confused now.”

“What? You want me to keep it all here with us? Will, I really don’t think Daddy Demon’s coming back for Kathy’s stuff.”

“With us?”

“Uh… yeah… the two of us here… together… that would be an us… or maybe a we… or to someone else a they!” Buffy smiled at her own humor. Her smile faded however when she saw the stunned look on her friend’s face.

“What’s wrong… you don’t want to move in anymore?” She asked, scared that the redhead had changed her mind so quickly.

“Um… Are we talking about the same thing?”

“Uh… I thought we were.”

“Oh… well I thought… that you wanted… me to help you move all this… stuff… out.”

“Uh, well sure… if you want to help… but actually…”

Buffy sat beside Willow on the other bed.

“Um… I guess I really didn’t ask… but I was wondering if you wanted to room with me now.”

“Oh. I guess I jumped to conclusions.”

“Hey Will… no offense… but I value our friendship much more than to just use you for labor. Besides… we have Xander for that.” She finished with a smile, glad to see one come over Willow’s face as well.

Willow thought about it for a few short seconds. Her roommate was a challenge to live with to say the least, and at least she was already used to Buffy. <But would Buffy really want to room with me… especially since…>

“Hey Buffy… are you sure this is such a good idea?’

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well… there’re all sorts of reasons… um… because you know… we could get on each other’s nerves… or um… I’d be… uh… studying… and you um…”

Buffy gave Willow a look that stopped her rambling.

“It’s okay Will. I’m sure the next one won’t be so bad.

I mean… what are the chances of two demon roommates in one semester…?”

“What? No, Buffy… I-I wasn’t saying no… just that… you might want to… think about this.”

“Ookay… and I have… so do you want to or not?”

Willow thought for a few minutes, contemplating what a great move it would be. But the thought that Buffy might not be thinking things through and would eventually change her mind about Willow being there sent fear straight through the witch’s heart. She needed to know if Buffy was totally serious and comfortable with the whole idea.

“A-are you sure you’ve thought about this?”

“What? Will, come on… I’m asking my best friend to room with me… not much thought required… which is probably a good thing right now.”

“Oh…” Willow glanced around the small room, knowing that privacy might be an issue. “Uh… well I was just… ‘cause I mean… you know… dorm rooms, small space… not much privacy… and uh… changing… um…”

“What are you talking about? We’ve changed together plenty of times… not like we’re strangers… ‘cause you know… the whole dressing with Kathy in the room got old real quick!”

“Oh yeah… um…”

“Come on Willow… please? It’ll be great.” Buffy tried.

“I-I just don’t want you to be… uncomfortable.” Willow looked down at the floor, not able to meet her friend’s pleading eyes. She missed the confusion wash over Buffy’s features.

“Again, I say… huh?”

“W-well with everything…” Willow wrung her hands. “I-I mean now that you know… me with the bi… ness… now. A-and the… other…”

If forehead could form words, DUH would have been etched into Buffy’s. Her mouth formed an almost circle as she finally realized what Willow had been getting at.

“Will!”

Willow’s head shot up, meeting Buffy’s eyes. She was caught off guard at first, because it seemed as if Buffy was angry.

“I can’t believe you’d think I’d be… uncomfortable with you here.”

“But Buffy…”

“Nope, nuh uh…” Buffy wrapped one arm around the other’s shoulders and pulled her into a tight squeeze.

“Listen to me.” Buffy stated.

“O-okay.” Willow glanced at the hand on her shoulder and tried not to think of the lack of space between them. It was an old habit and had become an automatic response to Buffy’s presence.

“First off, I told you I don’t care what you’re into. Uh, okay… I take that back. No animals… that’s just sick.”

“Ewww… Buffy!”

“Okay okay… Seriously though. It doesn’t bother me Will.

We’re best friends and I can trust you with anything… just like you trusted me with this. You’re with Oz and I of course am single and it’s our first year at UC Sunnydale together… Just because you like girls doesn’t change any of that, and it certainly won’t make me feel uncomfortable to live with you… hell I’ve never been uncomfortable or embarrassed to change in front of you… I think you’re the one who’s usually embarrassed… and you know… after 3 years of slumber parties you’d think you’d be okay… but sometimes you get all shy… which is cute, don’t get me wrong… but-

“Um… Buff?”

Buffy looked over. “Oh… sorry.”

“But… things are different. You… you know… because of the… other thing I told you…”

“Oh you mean you having a thing for me?”

Willow looked toward the floor again. <I think ‘thing’ is an understatement at this point. Who knew you could love two people at once? My heart aches when I’m not with Oz, yet I’d probably die for Buffy. Would I do that for Oz?>

“Don’t sweat that either Will. I told you before and I’ll tell you again and again until you believe me… it doesn’t bother me and actually I’m kind of flattered… But really, it doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t change how I feel about you or this.” Buffy made a back and forth gesture with her hand indicating the two girls.

Willow was quiet for a few minutes as she took all of what Buffy had to say in.

“Please say yes.” Came Buffy’s soft voice.

Willow looked at the blonde next to her and her heart jumped. She knew that Buffy was totally sincere and really wanted her to be her roommate. Willow felt that she had no other alternative than to take the Slayer up on her offer.

“Yes.”

And once again, the witch was wrapped up in strong slayer arms.

“Oh but Will?”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever play Cher’s ‘Believe’ I’ll have to slay you… you realize this don’t you?”

“No worries… I’m not much with the diva thing.”

“Oh, that’s good.” ]

Buffy applied the lotion in slow, loving circles, kneading the skin of her best friend’s hands and arms the best she could given the circumstances.

“Sure, let me do all the work. Just go ahead and lay there lazy butt.” Buffy spoke the words in a quiet voice, letting a touch of fun sarcasm filter through.

“Yeah, I bet you’re really diggin’ all this treatment you’re getting in here huh?”

Buffy squirted more of the cool white liquid into the palm of her hand and proceeded to work on another section dry skin.

“Well don’t get used to it, Missy. As soon as you’re well enough you’re coming home with me… and I won’t change you like they do here… nope… you’ll just have to get up and go to the bathroom all on your own, and put your own lotion on, and brush your hair, and… feed…”

Buffy wiped the beginnings of fresh tears from her eyes.

“…feed yourself… yup… you’ll be okay and strong and we’ll hang out and have fun again like we used to… before… before things changed all that…”

Buffy capped the lotion, leaving it on the small table near the washroom. She picked up the small nail clippers and moved back beside the bed.

“Clip your own nails too.” She added in a soft voice, the lump in her throat making it harder to speak out loud.

She began with Willow’s index finger, working her way down, then doing the thumb last. They had grown a lot and needed to be clipped and shaped. It would keep Buffy busy, and she figured Willow would appreciate it too.

“I don’t remember ever clipping your nails before. Oh, but do you remember our first sleepover? We did each other’s nails and toes and stayed up all night eating brownies and watching stupid comedies and just talking. That was so much fun Will. Ha. Sleepover. We sure don’t do that much these days huh?”

Buffy traded the clippers for an emery board and began the work of filing Willow’s nails.

“Hard to believe Dawn’s almost as old as we were when we first met huh? Ya know, I really need to be a lot easier on her. Sometimes I forget how grown up she’s becoming. I must have put Mom through hell when I was her age. No wait, I know I did. But I had you and Xander and Giles… so…”

“I could paint these if you want.” Buffy glanced at her bag on the floor. “Not sure if I brought any polish with me though. I’ll call Dawn and ask her to bring some. What color would you like?”

Buffy continued to file, glancing up every once in awhile at Willow’s twisted face. She would sleep quietly for a time, then roll her head from side to side and groan out in pain or fear. Buffy was never certain. She assumed that whatever was killing her friend inside, was probably messing with her mind as well.

“God Will… I’m so sorry.” She whispered, her words barely audible. “I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry things turned out so… fucked up. I’m so very sorry about Tara…”

[ Buffy walked into their dorm room and saw Willow lying on her bed.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Answered Willow. “You okay?”

Buffy rubbed her neck briefly. “Yeah, I just… I don’t want talk about it. I want to hear about you and Oz.”

Buffy’s eyes glazed with the anticipation of Willow and Oz goodness. Her friend had been way too depressed since he left, no thanks to Buffy she admitted, but with Oz back, all that could change.

“You saw him right?” Buffy inquired.

“I was with him all night.”

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

“All night?”

A giddy grin spread across her face.

“Oh my God.” Exclaimed Buffy, taking a seat on Willow’s bed.

“Wait,” the blonde continued “Last night was a wolf moon… right?”

“Yup.” Willow nods.

A minor look of confusion flashed across the Slayer’s features.

“Okay… either you’re about to tell me something incredibly kiny… or…”

“No kink.” Willow said, smiling. “He… didn’t change, Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure… and he did. In Tibet.”

A huge smile graced Buffy’s features.

“Oh my God. I can’t believe it.”

She looked at her friend who did not seem to share the same excitement as her.

“Okay… I’m all with the woo-hoo… and you’re not.”

“No… there’s woo and there’s hoo… But… there’s uh-oh and… why now? A-and… it’s complicated…”

“Why… complicated?”

Willow sighed. She knew this was inevitable and thought that the admission made during the summer about her sexuality would have made telling Buffy about seeing Tara a lot easier. But every time she thought of telling her, she became weak with fear that once Buffy saw her with another girl, that it would finally wig her out.

“It’s complicated… because of Tara.” Willow finally admitted, averting her gaze from that of Buffy’s inquisitive stare.

Buffy frowned, not understanding what Willow could mean. Then a thought occurred to her.

“You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?”

She felt like a dufus. <Does Tara even know Oz?>

Realization slowly sunk in as she looked at her redheaded best friend sitting near her on the bed.

“No…” The Slayer stated. “Oh!”

Willow glanced around, finally settling back on Buffy, and gave her a nervous smile.

Buffy jumped up.

“Oh… um… well… that’s great. You know… I mean… I think Tara’s a… a really great girl, Will.”

<Why am I freaking?> Buffy thought, walking toward Willow’s dresser. <Why didn’t she tell me?>

“She is… A-and… there’s something between us. It… It wasn’t something I was looking for… It’s just powerful… and it’s totally different from what Oz and I have.”

<Yeah… I bet.> Buffy thought again before quickly chastising herself.

“Well… there you go… I mean… you know… you have to… you have to follow you heart… Will. A-and that’s what’s important… Will.”

<I… thought she was… in love with…>

“Why do you keep saying me name like that?”

“Like what Will?” Buffy asked, trying to fake a cheerful tone.

Willow quickly sat up. Her fears had become reality. Buffy was wigging out and Willow wouldn’t be able to hold their friendship together anymore.

<Oh Gods!> She screamed inside.